Why I am alive
by HeavenONFire
Summary: There are many moments in Shepard's live which had given him reasons to live. But there was only one man Shepard wanted to stay alive for. The problem is that he doesn't know if the man feels the same. Originally written for MassEffectKinkmeme. M!ShepXKaidan. Rated M just in case. Set during ME2 and ME3 Post EC-ending.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I just can't stop writing things about these two. It's actually TWO prompt from Mass Effect Kink Meme. Since I can't post links here, I'll just tell you what's about. One is about Renegade!Shepard having a soft spot for Kaidan and the other is EC!Spoiler about a post-destroy ending reunion. I know, it's spoiler for my story, but since it's set in ME3, it doesn't really matter.  
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**Enjoy  
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**Why I am alive**

**01.**

Shepard is falling. Through space and time and endless darkness. He has no prove if he's really falling or not; he doesn't know if he's lying face down on the floor or if he's being pressed against the ceiling.

Caught between tubes and glass, his skin is burning and his soul is screaming.

Eventually, he lands. The earth trembles and the impact rattles every single bone in his body. Something heavy and solid falls down and buries him alive. He can't breathe properly and he can't move.

He knows that he was losing blood and the end of his life was near. He knows that he has completed his journey and beaten his enemies. He knows that now is the moment to say goodbye. To pray for salvation. To look back at his life and make peace with his regrets.

But in this moments, Shepard wants to do something entirely else….

**Thirteen months ago**

"You can't just let them go!" the colonist cried. "Half the colony is in there! They have everyone! Lilith!"

"I did my best!" Shepard justified half-heartedly. In truth he had enough of this colony about ten minutes ago. Though he was answering to this cowardly colonist, his eyes were fixed on a thermal clip on the ground. His soldier instinct told him to put the yelling man on hold and retrieve the precious supply. No reason to waste good ammo. "There's nothing more I can do. But you? You just hid in your bunker!"

"But…." The colonist started again.

"If it wasn't for Shepard," Miranda stepped in. "You'll all be in that ship!"

_Thanks, Miranda!_ Shepard thought.

"Shepard!" The colonist repeated. _Yeah, that's me!_ "I know that name! You're some sort of Alliance Hero!"

Shepard crossed his arms over his chest and nodded. It satisfied him to hear awe and fear in that colonist's voice and a small smirk appeared on his face.

"Commander Shepard." Suddenly, a painfully missed voice sounded from somewhere.

From behind a wall emerged a figure which looked so gorgeous Shepard felt his chin drop. Dressed in his awesome looking new armour and with an almost casual walk, Kaidan came closer. Shepard saw his lips move but didn't understand what he said. He couldn't make sense on his words but only listened to the smoothness of his voice.

"… Saviour of the Citadel." Kaidan finished and turned to face to colonist. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

"All the good people we lost," the colonist snorted. "And you get left behind! Figures!"

Though Shepard wasn't paying any attention to what that pathetic colonist said, he didn't like the tone. He didn't know that Kaidan and this Delan knew each other; then he suddenly remembered that the colonists here weren't found of the Alliance. And he certainly wasn't found of this colonist.

"Hey!" he yelled at the man. "Don't you talk about Kaidan like this! He just saved your sorry ass! If I were you, I'd show some respect!"

The colonist blinked for a few times. "Screw this! I'm done with you Alliance types!"

Shepard wasn't complaining that the colonist was gone. His eyes were all over Kaidan. When did he start to wear medium armour? Never mind, Kaidan looked great in it and Shepard felt his loins twitch. Though it might have been two years for Kaidan, in Shepard's head, he just sent Kaidan to the escape pots a couple of weeks ago.

And then, Kaidan was right in front of him. The sight of his lover almost sent him spinning. He saw the hurt in Kaidan's eyes and for a few seconds, they just stood there and watched each other.

Stunned, Shepard just gazed at Kaidan coming closer and closer and before Shepard knew it, he found himself in Kaidan's warm embrace again. The feeling of the soldier's body against his was overwhelming and Shepard closed his arms tightly around the Staff Lieutenant, no, Staff Commander.

Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. Shepard felt pride rising in his chest as he repeated those words in his mind. He always knew that Kaidan was made for command. Hugging his boyfriend, rubbing his cheek on Kaidan's shoulder-plate, Shepard grinned at the shining career of the biotic. Maybe if he wasn't careful, Kaidan might outrank him one day.

"I thought you were dead, Shepard." Kaidan said into his shoulder. "We all did."

"Mhm… Kaidan…." Shepard moaned. His hands were already at the small of Kaidan's back. He traced the curve just above that amazing ass and Shepard breathed in deeply to smell Kaidan's scent.

"Mhm… Kaidan…." He moaned again. Overpowered by the sensation of Kaidan in his arms, Shepard forgot about the world around him. He moved his face away from Kaidan's shoulder and his lips found Kaidan's. The Staff Commander didn't respond but he didn't reject either.

Eventually, when Shepard couldn't accept the fact that Kaidan might not love him anymore; he stepped back, gazing at Kaidan with anger.

"What? Not even a proper kiss for your old CO? Something's bothering you?"

"Yeah, something's bothering me!" That voice! Shepard always loved it when Kaidan got upset. His usually soft voice would get more edge and that sent Shepard over the edge. Again, he missed what Kaidan actually said. Kicking himself mentally, Shepard moved his gaze away from Kaidan's sensuous moving lips and eyebrows.

"I spent the last two years believing you're dead! I thought we had something! Something real! I loved you! Thinking you are dead torn me apart! How could you put me through this? Why didn't you try to contact me?"

Kaidan talked too much. Shepard had lost track somewhere between _I loved you_ and _contact me_. In his mind, he was already one step further, which included dragging Kaidan to one of those crates where he could knee before the man and give his long overdue blow-job. He really wanted to hear Kaidan moan his name again and feel how Kaidan pressed his head to his cock.

"Shepard!" Kaidan's voice dragged him out of his daydream. "What are you doing?"

Realizing that he was licking his lips at the previous thought, Shepard shook his head hard. "I was dead, Kaidan. It took Cerberus two years to bring me back."

"You are with Cerberus now…." Kaidan stepped away from him. Shepard wished he hadn't mentioned Cerberus, because the glare Kaidan gave him was pure ice. The Staff Commander started to say something again and Shepard's mind was torn between pieces of what Kaidan said and what he saw. He understood something about the colony got hit and Anderson. But mostly, he just dwelled on the sound of that voice and watched Kaidan, who ked so good in his new armour. The blinking light on the black surface highlighted his dark hair and the way Kaidan's brows moved while he talked reminded Shepard of the one night before Ilos, where he almost lost his mind in Kaidan's arms.

"… you betrayed me!" Kaidan finished.

"What? I didn't!" Shepard blurted out, trying hard to cover the drift of his attention.

"You've changed, Shepard!" Kaidan accused. "But I still know where my loyalty lies."

"With me?" Shepard joked. "As it should be?"

"I am an Alliance Soldier!" Kaidan lowered his head to give Shepard a fierce look. "Always will be! I have to…."

"Hey, where are you going?" Shepard extends one hand and caught Kaidan's waist. What the hell was going on with Kaidan? Why was he so cold? "Come with me!"

This time he did drag Kaidan to the crates. He pushed Kaidan down on the lowest box and knelt on his heels before his lover. He took Kaidan's hands in his and glanced at the man he loved.

"Miranda," Garrus said from somewhere behind him. "Let's go and see if we can find a secure landing zone for the shuttle."

She responded something Shepard didn't understand and then he heard Garrus dragging her along. He'd thank him later. For now, his entire focus was on Kaidan.

"They didn't change me, Kaidan," he said sincerely. "I'm still me."

"Shepard," Kaidan moved his hands away. "Don't open my wounds."

"Join me, Kaidan. I could use your help with this fight."

"I will never work of Cerberus."

"You'll not, you'll work for me." Shepard moved closer and his fingers slowly wandered to Kaidan's belt buckle. "I missed you."

"No, please," Kaidan whispered. "This is bigger than just us."

"Dammit! Just let me give you a blow-job already! Don't say you don't want it!"

"It's been two years, John."

"For me, it was merely a few weeks!"

Cornered by Shepard and the crates, Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. Shepard watched him sigh heavily and then Kaidan slowly pushed him away.

"I can't," Kaidan said eventually. "I want to believe you; but I don't trust Cerberus. I have to report back."

Then, he stood up and walked away, leaving Shepard kneeling on the floor. In that moment, Shepard didn't feel anything. All he could think about was how awesome Kaidan's ass looked like in this armour. The way he walked and the gentle movements while he set one foot after the other were so intriguing; Shepard tiled his head and just stared.

When he noticed that Kaidan wasn't looking back, he called after his love. "Don't leave, Kaidan. I need you in this."

"I'm sorry, Shepard," Kaidan hesitated and finally turned to face him again. No doubt Kaidan was hurting, too, but Shepard just couldn't wrap his head around how much Kaidan must have changed to just turn his back on him. Why couldn't he see the real threat? To be honest, Shepard knew that he couldn't have defeated Saren without Kaidan's help. So how was he supposed to beat the collectors if Kaidan's wasn't at his side?

"Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful." were Kaidan last words.

In that voice, Shepard heard the tone of finality and for the first time in his life, he understood why his buddies back on earth told him not to fall in love. The sting he felt was worse than any injury in his life. He felt his lungs collapse and his vision blur. Gasping for air, Shepard found himself unable to move. Not until even the scent Kaidan had left here vanished, he realized that Kaidan had some kind of abandoned him.

Cursing, raging, and hurting, Shepard slammed his fist into the crate beside him and watched how they flew through the air. He drew his pistol and released all his anger by blasting those boxes into shreds.

Eventually, after the whole place wasn't recognizable any more, he decided to find Garrus and Miranda. One day, when the collectors are dead, he would make Cerberus pay for separating them.

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**Hope you liked it. **

**I used many things that bugged me during that scene. Like that DAMN thermal clip on on the ground. During the whole scene I want to collect it! And that Kaidan was very distracting, his new style is awesome^^ (I had to reload the mission to know what exactly he said because I was too distracted to pay any attention.^^)  
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**Let me know what you think^^  
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**HeavenOnFire  
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	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry about the long pause. Had some trouble with my internet. (Actually I still have^^). And yesterday I finally got some inspiration and here it is.  
And I had to change the genre-description. (It's humor/angst, now.) It's not really a romance anymore. (Well, with Kaidan and Shepard in here, it's obvious that this is a romance^^) I really wanted to write humor and I noticed that I always went back to angst. So I hope you're okay with it.^^  
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**Enjoy  
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**02: **

Shepard's mind was screaming. He was screaming for Kaidan.

The whole time, he forced himself to concentrate on the danger at hand but failed because constantly, his mind drifted back to Kaidan. No matter if he had just lost earth or the prothean data or the support of the Council, all of those he knew he could regain if he really tried.

But Kaidan, his Kaidan who was lying unconscious on the hard bed of Hueta Memoria, broken and only one step away from death, might leave him forever if they didn't find a way to save him. And there was nothing Shepard could do to change it.

Shepard closed his eyes in pain and cursed himself. He couldn't bear the thought that Kaidan might die. He had confronted this idea before, so many years ago on Virmire. Until today, his chest still felt heavy when he thought of the panic inside him when he heard Kaidan's desperate voice over the comm.

But now, he was facing this situation again. Even worse. This time, Kaidan might not survive. This time, there was no choice he could make to save Kaidan. No life he could exchange for, no Ashley to sacrifice so he could follow the sound of his selfish desire. Here and now, it was only fate, Fate, which was something Shepard couldn't fight.

"No!" He snapped at thing air. He refused to give Kaidan's life to a higher power as Ashley would have said. He refused to believe that Kaidan might leave him forever. Life had been unfair to him. After all what he'd go through, did they really have to take away the only person he wanted?

But the truth hurt. Kaidan might die. And if Kaidan died, Shepard would have to life the rest of his life with the knowledge that he had been a total jerk to Kaidan the last time they spoke. He still couldn't believe how he actually managed to treat Kaidan this way.

Meeting him again, hearing his accusations and seeing the doubts in his eyes, Shepard had felt the fury inside him. Kaidan should count himself lucky that there were enough Cerberus-troops on Mars Shepard could focus on. If not, he couldn't say what he would have done.

But now, seeing Kaidan lying still and bruised before him, chest bare and full of scars, eyes closed and barely breathing, all Shepard could feel was pain. Shivering, he gently brushed his thumb over the arc of Kaidan's lips and suppressed the urge to cry out loud.

"Commander," Liara whispered behind him. "You should get some rest."

"No," Shepard answered with voice flat. "I brought him here, I'll stay."

"It was not your fault!" Liara insisted and came closer. She too gazed at Kaidan with fondness in her eyes and Shepard was even surprised himself when he felt something like jealousy boiling.

"He got hurt because I hesitated." Shepard spoke out the truth and it was relieving. It was like sharing the burden he was carrying alone. He sighed and tried another truth. "I should have pulled the trigger when I had the chance."

"You couldn't risk shooting into melee." Liara placed her hand on his forearm. "The chance of hitting Kaidan was too high."

"I don't miss, Liara." Shepard said with teeth blenched.

"Maybe, but you really should get some rest yourself. We will be leaving tomorrow and time is short. The Council won't help unless we have rescued the turian Primarch."

Politicians! Shepard hated politicians. Not that they had caused enough trouble already, they were stealing his time. Time he should spend with guarding Kaidan. What if Kaidan woke up and he wasn't here? What if Kaidan….

He couldn't finish the thought. Again, he contorted his face in anger. Since he'd seen Kaidan in Vancouver, he'd been angry. Angry that Kaidan wasn't man enough to visit him during his time in jail. Angry because the committee didn't listen to him and angry because he just lost his home.

And he was hurt. Because of all he'd lost in this one day and the many he might lose in the coming ones. Had he not scarified enough? Not lost enough? Why still Kaidan? Why couldn't that abomination of Cerberus-science grab Liara or James or him? Why Kaidan?

"Commander?"

"Go, Liara!" Shepard hissed. "Leave me alone."

He didn't see her face but only watched Kaidan. When she left, the only sound he could hear was Kaidan's breathing and the hum of his life-support. What a pathetic life. Kaidan was a proud soldier. He was a beautiful man. Shepard winced at the sight what the war had made him to.

For a long time, Shepard just stood there watching Kaidan and thinking of every encounter they had after they met again. He remembered the small encouraging smile Kaidan had given him before his tribunal. The pained way Kaidan had looked at him while they both witnessed the devastation on earth.

And then, there was Mars. He replayed his action again and again and every time he flinched at his own harsh words. Remembering the heat or hurt or disbelieve in Kaidan's voice, Shepard frowned deeply. He might never tell this to anybody but remorse was what he felt right now.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," he eventually said. "It's so hard seeing you like this! Don't die! Don't leave me! I know you can't hear me, but I have to say this. I might not able to when you're awake, so I'll feel better if I know that I at least said this. Oh, now I'm blabbering and it's all your fault!"

He pulled himself a chair and said down at Kaidan's side. He rested his hands beside Kaidan's and gently stroked his palm. He thought that Kaidan would be warm like he remembered, but now the man he held so many feelings for was nearly as cold as ice.

Suppressing his tears, Shepard lowered his head, resting it on Kaidan's bed. He wanted to press his face against Kaidan's chest and hear his heart throb, but he didn't dare to touch him too much, afraid that any change might cause Kaidan's death.

Migraine seemed now a small problem. How much he wanted to hold Kaidan again, to run his fingers through Kaidan's thick black hair and massage his temple. To offer Kaidan some comfort when he needed it. But all he could do was to look at the soldier and bite back his fears.

"Look, I didn't mean what I said back on Mars." He whispered sometime later, when his mind was clearer. "I didn't mean to piss you off! It's just… I thought at least you would trust me! I know you saw me with Cerberus, but I've changed! Really! I screwed them and I will screw them again for what they did to you! They really didn't change me! Or my feelings for you! Believe me, Kaidan. I'm still me."

Desperately, Shepard searched Kaidan's face for some reaction. But like he had done it an hour ago, Kaidan remained unchanged. Realizing that Kaidan really couldn't hear him, Shepard started to talk again, hoping that his voice might bring Kaidan back.

"I still want you! I want you at my side. Come on, Kaidan! Wake up! I can't do this alone. This time, it's too much! Saren, okay, maybe. He was just one guy with a geth army. And the collectors, well… I don't know. After you broke up with me, I didn't know what else I should do than to charge into the void. Imagine I even hoped that you would be devastated if you hear about my death. And I've hoped that you would cry for me. Stupid, I know. But this time, Kaidan, this time I need you! I really do! The Council expects me to come up with some magic plans, but I have none. I don't know how I should unite the galaxy to beat the Reapers. I need you!"

He closed his eyes again and all he saw was the Reapers burning down earth and Dr. Eva smashing Kaidan into that shuttle. He could still hear the roar of the sentient machines and Kaidan's groan while his shields cracked and his bones broke.

With all these imagines occupying his mind, Shepard didn't dare to close his eyes again. He'd rather die right now with Kaidan's peaceful feature in front of him than to life on with the screaming inside. But eventually, he needed to sleep.

"Commander?" A soft voice asked behind him.

Shepard turned to see a nurse standing in the doorway with a data-pad in her hand. She looked hesitant and even a little intimidated. But Shepard only raised an eyebrow and she started talking.

"The major is stable for now," she said. "Though his injuries were severe, the doctors are positive that he will recover."

"I know."

"Ehm… there is no need for you to stay here. He will be okay."

Now Shepard understood why she was here. She wanted to throw him out. Why in Hell did everybody in the galaxy want to separate him from Kaidan?

"Noted," Shepard said. "I still want to stay for a little longer."

"Well, Commander…."

Shepard didn't let her finish. "I won't do anything stupid. I just want to stay with him."

"All right," she muttered. "It's okay, I think. As long as you don't interfere with the doctors."

"Noted."

Shepard turned and ignored the nurse. She made something he didn't understand and while she was here, Shepard only stroked the skin on Kaidan's hand. He didn't remember a time when he had looked at Kaidan for so long.

On the SR-1, the only time they had shared with each other was the downtime between missions when they both finished their reports and Kaidan sneaked into his cabin. Mostly, they weren't even fit enough to do something intimate and only talked for a while before sleeping together.

Remember it, Shepard's eyes wandered across Kaidan's body. He discovered many small scars he didn't know or remember. He counted Kaidan's birthmarks and traced them with his fingers. Though he was aware that this was a waste of time, he just couldn't leave Kaidan right now.

Eventually, after hours he had spent at Kaidan's side and after the warnings of three different doctors and nurses, Shepard was asked to leave again. This time he was addressed by a turian doctor who wasn't so easily talked down.

When the turian pointed his finger at Shepard, clearly annoyed by his presence and accusing the commander of wasting time and disturbing the patient's rest, Shepard snapped.

"Listen, you spiky monster!" He threatened. "I saved the Citadel along with your ass three years ago and I'm asked to save the galaxy again! And I have died before! So don't you tell me what's disturbing!"

"With all due respect, Commander." The turian stayed calm. "Your presence here is unnecessary, not to say useless. Major Alenko won't be waking up any soon and we do not allow visitors to stay overnight. I have to ask you to leave, again. With respect, of course."

"I won't!" Shepard hissed. "So what are you going to do, hun? You're gonna throw out a Spectre?"

"I'm aware of your status, Commander. But…."

"No buts! I stay! Deal with it!" With that, Shepard began to shove the turian doctor out of the door. "I'm leaving for Palavan tomorrow morning, so wake me at 0500!"

He didn't pay any attention to the scared faces he saw outside in the hallway and didn't respond to the doctor's disapproval, which came along with many _It's outrages!s_ and _This is not acceptable!s. _When the door closed, Shepard quickly activated his omni-tool and hacked the door so it remained locked before the medical stuff could alarm the security.

He didn't care about security. Bailey would understand him. Liara would understand him. Even Anderson would understand him if he was here.

But after all that, Shepard realized that what he didn't say and the true reason for his stubbornness was that if this was his last night alive, he wanted to spend it with Kaidan.

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**Yeah, it's angst. How the hell should I write about the Hueta Memoria scene without angst? X( That scene was soooo touching but too short.  
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**And after the first chapter, I went back to replay the game as Renegade!Shepard. I have to say, he's pretty crazy. :-O But also human. So I think I'm able to write about him now. **

**Thank you for reading and if you like, tell me what you think! :-)  
**

**HeavenOnFire  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: First, thank you PupKiba for your lovely comments! And welcome back, DrawnMemory! Glad to see a familiar face(name)! And thank you, I hope I can live up to your expectations^^.  
The pace of this ff is surprising me. I wrote 3 chapters yesterday and will upload them in the following days^^**

**Enjoy.  
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**Why I am alive**

**03: **

Killing Husks or Cannibals or Marauders or Brutes or Harvesters was for Shepard something he called fun.

He'd never told this to anyone before because he knew they'd call him crazy, or like James already did, Loco. It was not that he didn't know that he was a little nuts, but being pointed out as one was a whole different thing. For now, Shepard was glad that he'd kept his helmet on, so Garrus or James couldn't make a stupid comment about the grin on his face.

Though it was more a teeth-flashing death-grin, he still enjoyed himself while watching all those Reaper-forces burst into flames. He couldn't tell what he was feeling right now. It might just be adrenalin or the planet-swallowing fury he felt when he looked at those creatures. With all those feelings inside him and his mind racing with light-speed, Shepard felt alive.

When the Brute slammed into the barricade and Shepard felt down before his feet, he didn't hesitate to load his beloved shotgun and charged. He could hear James shouting somewhere, but the awe in the lieutenant's voice made him grin even more. He slammed his fists into the Brute's armour and caused a wave of Nova after the other. When that monster fell before him, Shepard felt like a superman standing on top of a world he just conquered.

"Shepard," Garrus' voice sounded next to him. "That's enough. That thing is dead."

He hadn't realized that his action had turned the Brute into a pile of broken bones and smashed flesh. Looking at his handiwork, Shepard registered that it was a lot unnecessary effort for one single opponent. But beating the shit of those things pleased him anyway.

"Let's go! There is a Primarch in distress somewhere!" He said with amusement though his voice was hoarse from all the battle-cry.

Being in the trenches and fighting, Shepard could almost forget about the weight on his shoulder. Though many soldiers said that when they fought, the instinct of self-preservation was the motive of their bravery, Shepard could never say this about himself. When he fought, it was about fury and the lust for victory. When his fists met the flesh of his enemies or when his bullets burst their skulls into pieces, Shepard could almost see himself standing above their corpses.

Death was a funny thing for him. Though he was maybe the only man alive who had actively experienced death, it was still only a concept to him. For him, death was far far away. When he was on the battlefield, he felt invulnerable. It might came from his skills or simply the believe that death would never come close to him.

Until he saw Kaidan.

Today, on Palavan's moon, Shepard felt every minute of this long war in his body. Kaidan's injury had broken the spell surrounding him for so long. Seeing Kaidan, one he'd always though was as tough as himself being defeated by a single machine, Shepard's faith crumbled.

Today, he felt what the soldiers called their motive of survival. Today, he had a reason to fight for more than the taste of triumph. Today, he wanted revenge.

He remembered that someone had told him once that revenge was the only justice some of them would ever get. Believing it, his desire for vengeance fuelled his combat. He didn't care if he was being cruel and unnecessarily violent. Those creatures didn't deserve any better. He didn't care who they'd been or what they once were. If they still could feel or think. For him, they were only tools of his rage.

When the last Marauder trembled beneath his boot, all Shepard could think of was how much he hated the Reapers. He pointed his gun at the Marauder's bleeding head and didn't hesitate to pull the trigger. He would never hesitate again. He would never fail again.

With satisfaction, Shepard gazed at the smashed pieces on the floor which once had been a turian's head. He watched the blood slowly sunk into the black ground and wondered how many he had to kill to paint a Reaper red.

Garrus's claw on his shoulder dragged him out of his trance. Gazing at his friends, Shepard didn't recognize the look in Garrus's eyes. Was that fear? Or concern? Could it be that Garrus had changed and lost his faith in him? He shook off his daze and sighed.

"That's enough, Shepard," Garrus said in his usual tone. "You've done enough."

Glancing over the field where he'd just unleashed his bloodlust, Shepard saw that the most bodies were nothing more than minced meat mixed with little bone-pieces. Had that all be him? Since when had he become a man who enjoyed the murder?

"Let's go see Victus," he panted, ripping his eyes away from the amount of devastation he'd done. "The sooner we get him, the better."

Garrus only nodded and studied Shepard with a long look.

"And Garrus," Shepard said before his old friend could express any concern. "There is still hope for Palavan."

And hope there wars. Convincing Victus wasn't difficult. The new Primarch was a man Shepard could see eye to eye. He was a soldier and a leader. And they both knew what was at stake.

Shepard knew what was at stake for him. He wouldn't lie if he said that ending this war was all he wanted. But he'd lie when he said that he was only doing this for the best of the galaxy.

For him, the war had become something very very personal.

When Traynor told him that he had a massage from Kaidan, Shepard had feared the worse. He felt his knees buckled and decided to read the massage in his cabin in case he hat to scream.

But Kaidan's words were so kind and so heart-warming. Seeing the letters on the screen, Shepard could almost imagine Kaidan's bruised hand wander over his omni-tool. Reading the words, he could hear Kaidan's voice in his head.

But then, when the meaning of the massage reached his consciousness, Shepard's fear returned. How should he face Kaidan after all what he'd said? How could he just show up and act as if nothing happened? What was Kaidan thinking of him? Was he still angry or hurt or doubtful or whatever he felt?

He sighed again and checked his mission reports for distractions. He couldn't go. No matter what a selfish man he was, he couldn't just leave the battle for a chat on the Citadel. There were so many more out there whose lives were depending on him. They all were waiting for him. Just like Kaidan.

Constantly torn between trying to set the course for the Citadel and hunting down Ceberus-troops on one of his N7 assignments, Shepard vented his frustration on his enemies. Every time when he stepped off the shuttle into a fire fight, he could forget about Kaidan. But every time he returned to his empty cabin he wished that Kaidan would be waiting.

Not until one day when he couldn't stop from beating a dead Cerberus-phantom, imagining that it was Dr. Eva Core, Garrus grabbed his shoulder with force and pulled him back to the shuttle.

"That's enough, Shepard!" The turian pushed him inside and signalled Cortez to go. "We need a talk!"

"About what?"

"I can understand your anger," his loyal turian friend said. "But this isn't the solution!"

"What are you talking about, Garrus?"

"She didn't kill him," the turian said and took a step closer, resting one claw in Shepard's shoulder. "You can't keep it up like this."

"He isn't dead yet!"

"I know. That's why you should go see him! How long have you been avoiding this?"

So Garrus noticed his tension. He wondered who else knew of his frustration with Kaidan. Liara, no doubt. She was the Shadow Broker and Shepard knew that she tracked all the massages coming and going from the Normandy. Knowing that he couldn't hide his feelings anymore, he sighed.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I don't know what to say to him."

"I'm sure you'll think of something once you see him."

"And I though you weren't approve of our… involvement."

"That was when he broke your heart." Garrus chuckled.

"And now?"

"Ehy, am I missing something? Who are you guys talking about?" James said from the far side of the shuttle. Shepard had almost forgotten that the marine was there. "Who broke the commander's heart?"

"Shut up, Vega," Garrus only chuckled and turned back to pin down Shepard with his stare.

"Ehy, Vakarian, who broke Shepard's heart?"

_Shut up, James! _Shepard thought.

"Due to Shepard's emotional stress levels after out landing on Horizon during the fight against the Collectors," EDI's voice sounded through the comm. "It is adequate to assume that Shepard and Major Alenko were engaged in a romantic relationship. The lack of physical intimacy might be…."

"Okay, that's too information!" James said and… blushed.

"Thanks, EDI!" Shepard grunted. "Fine, I'll go see him!"

Until he stood in Kaidan's room, Shepard was convinced that this was a bad idea. But seeing Kaidan awake and smiling at him, Shepard wondered how in Hell could he wanted to avoid this.

"Shepard!" Kaidan sounded very surprised. "I wasn't sure if you'd come."

"You think a few Reapers could take me out?" Shepard said and sat down on a stool. It was like the last time he was here, only that this time Kaidan was really smiling at him. He felt something twitch in his stomach and his heart started to throb. No matter what he'd faced, Kaidan could still make him feel like 14 years old.

With face slightly blushed and hands sweaty, Shepard tried to act normal. Talking to Kaidan was easier than he'd thought. When Kaidan told him about his family, Shepard was glad that Kaidan trusted him far enough to share these personal information. Eventually, Shepard asked about Kaidan's promotion and grinned at the idea, that Kaidan did outrank him now. He couldn't wait for an opportunity to tease Kaidan with calling him 'sir', because he knew that Kaidan wouldn't like it.

He was proud to know that Kaidan had his own command now, kicking ass with his biotic division. He also was glad to hear that his biotics had become stronger than ever. Again, he felt the agitation of seeing Kaidan in action again. He always enjoyed the sight of a blue glowing Kaidan, no matter where it was.

"Yeah, I guess some things get better with age." Kaidan chuckled.

"Maybe you have!" Shepard blurted out.

"Are you flirting with me, Commander?" Kaidan's sheepish smile let Shepard's throat went dry. "No, don't tell me, let me live in this illusion."

That reminded Shepard of why he was really here and what he really wanted to talk about. The dark cloud of his previous actions gathered over his head and he prayed that Kaidan couldn't see this.

"Look, Kaidan, I…." he stammered.

"It's okay, Shepard. I… I just…." Kaidan shifted in his bed and swallowed. "Just, talking to you like this, it reminds me how much I like you."

"Kaidan!" Shepard grinned and was lost for words for a moment. Then he took a deep breath and sighed. "Can we talk about Mars?"

"I don't know what there is to talk about," Kaidan said and the way his brows shifted made Shepard want to hug him. "You were pretty clear."

"I'm sorry."

"No, don't be." Kaidan said quickly. "I owe that."

"You do! It was your fault!" Shepard said. "You didn't trust me and I was angry about it. I mean, I was in jail for six month and you still didn't believe me!"

"I know," Kaidan whispered. "Don't you think I haven't beaten myself up about it? Thinking that you're out there, risking your life… I don't know. I… I still care about you, Shepard."

These words punched right into Shepard's guts. He didn't know what to say. He'd never been that womanizer, though the women always throw themselves at him. What was he supposed to respond now? Tell Kaidan that he cared too? That he wanted Kaidan back? Or should he just kiss Kaidan? Hug him? Give him a blow-job?

"Kaidan, I thought, after Horizon…."

"Yeah, sorry about that," Kaidan said again, still looking hurt. "You needed a connection and I just shut you down. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, and I was a jerk."

"You were a drooling, rude, horny bastard." Kaidan lowered his head and smirked.

"You forgot 'good-looking'!"

Kaidan blushed. "Look, Shepard, there is a war on and we have more pressing matters. I just want you to know, I'm not seeing anyone and I really care."

"Same for me," Shepard grinned and thought. _I didn't cheat on you and I want a medal for it!_ "I stayed faithful to you! Okay, I flirted a little, but I didn't do anything. Honestly!"

That brought a faint smile to Kaidan's still bruised face. The way he smiled always made Shepard heart melt and his loins twitch. He watched Kaidan's still beautiful features and licked his own lips.

"I jerked off a lot though, thinking about you!" Shepard said with a broad grin. "Especially the night before we went through the Omega-relay. It was good, but if you'd be there…."

"Shepard!"

"What? It was a compliment!"

"John!"

"Okay, okay!" Shepard lifted both hands and gestured his defeat. "No pressure."

"Yeah." Kaidan again shifted in his bed, now even deeper blushed which made his bruises look black. "I should let you get back to the Normandy. Stay safe, Commander."

"You too, Sir."

The whole way back to the Normandy, Shepard grinned like a drooling, good-looking, horny teenager. _Yeah, Kaidan still cares about me! Now, let's go kick some Reaper-ass!_

* * *

**So, I hope there was a little humor^^ Humor is one of the greatest gifts in the universe and I'm not sure if I'm that lucky^^**

**But as for this one, I decided to concentrate of Shepard. There are so many stories about a Paragon!Shep, I think it's justified to see more of his Renegade side^^ In here, I tried to express how Renegade!Shep sees this whole thing and what his motives are. And of course, how his crew-members reacts to him. (Especially Kaidan, in my case^^)  
**

**Again thank you for the comments. I'll never get tired of seeing reviews to my effort^^ **

**Because reviews and comments are the food and water of every author^^  
**

**HeavenOnFire  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you all for your lovely comments. They keep me going^^ I wish I could have updated this earlier, but as I said, I had some serious problems with my internet. So, here it is. **

* * *

** Why I am alive**

**04: **

"So, he's 'Major' now?" Garrus said over a glass of turian brandy in the lounge.

After several battles and even losses, Shepard slowly started to accept the war. He never had trouble to accept battle; but now he finally registered that the war he'd been waiting for since Eden Prime had finally arrived. It wasn't the Reaper-forces or Kaidan's injury that had burned these lines into his skull; it was to see what people do to save their last days.

But even with during a war, Shepard knew that sharing a drink with a friend was one of those things which kept a man from turning mad. He enjoyed this moment and hoped that Garrus did it as well. It had been far too long since they both had the chance to simply drink a glass or two.

Actually it was exactly seven months and two weeks ago. When they returned from the Omega-relay, they couldn't wait to get drunk at the VIP bar of Afterlife. Back then, there was so little they worried about. Back then, they were simply grateful that they were still alive.

"Can you imagine that?" Shepard slurped his whiskey. It was a good one. He'd bought two bottles; one was standing in front of him on the bar, the other one was probably resting next to Kaidan's pillow. "He actually outranks me now."

"I always knew that Kaidan would make it."

"I mean, what the Hell happened? Where was I? Kaidan outranks me!" Shepard gasped, half smiling, half complaining.

"Mhm… let me think," the turian said and continued to gaze at the bottle. "You were dead for two years. And fought against the Collectors while he was in the Alliance, writing reports about you. Mhm… I guess defeating Saren with Commander Shepard and then report his defection is a good reason for promotion."

"I guess so," Shepard chuckled, feeling more than a little dizzy from all the whiskey. "It's just a little weird. I'm proud of him though, I'm really am. But I still remember him as the LT. Like James."

"Don't worry, Shepard," Garrus said and padded Shepard's shoulder half-heartedly. "This is still your ship. As long as Kaidan's not in the navy, you're still the highest commander here. Want me to tell him that when he comes aboard?"

"Let's not go there," Shepard sighed dramatically. "I'm not sure he wants to join us."

"But he did ask you to visit him," Garrus muttered and drank another gulp. "Maybe he wants to make an offer."

"Nah…." He moaned. "He asked me to come so he can tell me that he's a Spectre now. Damn, he looked so good in the vids! And there we go again! He outranks me _and_ is a Spectre!"

"Don't be jealous!" Garrus managed something which sounded like a chuckle.

"Who said I am?" Shepard shouted, offended because Garrus had spoken out the truth. "I just… Jesus, where is my Kaidan-baby?"

"I'll pretend that I didn't heart that…."

"My sweety-kinky LT?"

"Oh spirit!"

"My cute-ass biotic!" Shepard bumped his heat on the table and moaned some more. "Oh my baby-Kaidan…. But, you're right, Garrus! I should go see him and ask him to join us!"

"Only if you promise me that you won't be worshiping his butt in public!" Garrus said and managed to ignore Shepard's pathetic state very well. "I don't understand what you human always have with butts."

"Have you seen his ass properly?" Shepard groaned.

"No. And before you ask, I don't plan to."

"Good! Because it's mine!"

"Shepard, honestly, you should go and get some sleep. We'll be docking soon and I don't think you want to face your crush with rings under your eyes. And babbling."

"You think he's got a crush on me too?" He blinked at Garrus who seemed very tall right now.

"Oh, just go Shepard, before someone sees you."

"Yeah, I should go."

Somehow he managed to find the elevator and get back to his cabin without anyone seeing him. Maybe EDI was making embarrassing footage right now, but being drunk and talking about Kaidan certainly wasn't the most embarrassing thing he'd done aboard. Until he found his bed, Shepard constantly thought about what Kaidan would say if they meet tomorrow.

When he stepped onto the Citadel a few hours later, he wished Garrus had stopped him when he grabbed the bottle for the countless time. His head was heavier than usual and Shepard noticed that he was very emotional today. He caught himself listening to the conversations around him and surprised even himself when he offered the civilians his help.

After trading his assistance or his service for war assets with more than a dozen people, Shepard felt exhausted and used. Why couldn't those civilians see what was going on? They shouldn't demand any prizes but all rally together against a threat they could only survive if they stand together. After his third outburst, both touched and angry, Shepard decided it was a good time to go see Kaidan.

At least, there was something he looked forward to.

When he finally arrived at Hueta Memoria, Shepard had brought a box of chocolate and a bunch of flowers. Standing at the reception of the hospital, Shepard gazed at the gifts. He didn't even remember where he bought the gift, only that the flowers certainly were a bad idea. Tossing the flowers down a garbage can, Shepard told himself that Kaidan had no use for flowers and that he wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

As for the chocolate, he wasn't sure either. He didn't even know if Kaidan liked chocolate or if he was even allowed to eat some. But who didn't like chocolate? And Kaidan was a biotic, and biotics love food. So he took a deep breath, summoned his courage and knocked on Kaidan's door.

The sight of his Major was stunning. He like those new uniforms of the Aliiance and Kaidan looked so damn hot in it. Somehow, these blue uniforms suited him better than Cortez or Joker or anyone he'd seen. It must be Kaidan's skin tone or the way he folded his arms. Or how he stood or how he moved or how he talked.

What? Kaidan was talking?

_Listen, Shepard! Stop drooling!_

"If you came to spring me, you're late. I'm getting out soon." Kaidan said and Shepard couldn't quite read his expression.

"I could still just kidnap you right now." He responded before he could bite his own tone.

"Why would you do that?"

_Because you're so damn hot! And I want to suck…. No! Focus, Shepard!_

"I need you! I mean… with us… on the Normandy." He said instead and hoped that Kaidan didn't hear his thoughts.

"Yeah, I thought about that," Kaidan said and loosened up a little. Was that just Shepard or was Kaidan waiting for him to say this? "But, I really just need to get out of here first. Do something real, you know?"

"Sure," Shepard said and took a step closer. He wanted to touch Kaidan right now but didn't know if it was okay. Then he suddenly remembered that he'd bought Kaidan a gift. "Ehm, I got you this!"

Kaidan's eyes sparkled when he saw the candy. His fingers brushed Shepard's for a second when he took the box of sweets and Shepard had to resist the urge to push Kaidan into the next wall and suck his…. He shook his head to banish those thoughts.

"I thought you might want something else than hospital food." He coughed.

"You're spoiling me, Shepard," Kaidan smiled. "First the whiskey, now the chocolate. I might think there is something you want to make up to."

"EDI said it's appropriate to bring gift when visit a friend at the hospital," He lied.

"Really, Shepard? You're asking an AI for tips of human behaviour?"

"Just take it and be happy with it!" Shepard snapped, grinning.

"Sorry, seeing you always send me spinning." Kaidan lowered his head and gazed at the box. "I…."

"Hey, it's okay." Now Shepard couldn't stop himself from embracing Kaidan. Since he'd seen Kaidan back on earth, this was what he'd dreamed about. He couldn't hug Kaidan in front of all those Alliance officers and he couldn't when they were in the shuttle to Mars, grieving about earth. But now, now he could hold Kaidan just like he used to. He could hold Kaidan and let his face rest on those shoulders.

Being close to Kaidan again let Shepard's world stand still. While it lasted, he could forget about the Reapers or Cerberus. He didn't remember how the war had been or how it was if he wasn't in Kaidan's arms. Being here, he didn't want to leave ever again.

Closing his arms around Kaidan's waist, he pressed himself closer to the major. His face was at Kaidan's and how Kaidan put his chin on Shepard's shoulder was just so familiar. Gently, he leaned back a little to look at Kaidan. Those lips he enjoyed so much filled his vision and he couldn't think of anything else right now than to kiss them.

But when he was only millimetres away, Kaiadn turned his face away, making Shepard kiss his cheek. For a small moment, Shepard even liked it. But then, realization dawned that Kaidan had just rejected him.

"Hey," he whispered. "What's wrong?"

"Shepard, I…" Kadian shook his head slightly, still avoiding Shepard's gaze. "Let's not do this here."

"I can hack the door, if you like." He offered, ginning at Kaidan's way of thinking.

"It's not what I meant," the major responded, trying to put more space between them.

"Talk to me, Kaidan. What's wrong?"

"Hey," Kaidan sighed. "I don't want to hurt you, but… I've moved on."

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked carefully. He had to admit to himself, that he was more than a little scared. Did Kaidan know how it sounded?

"I mean, I've moved on, Shepard." Kaidan said more clearly. He turned his head to face Shepard again and his brown eyes expressed more than pain.

"Wait a minute," Shepard gasped, trying hard to get himself under control. He couldn't believe what Kaidan just said. Was he breaking up with him, again? "Are you telling me…."

"That there are regs against this." Kaidan finished for him.

"Come on! We're both Spectres now! Screw the regs!" Shepard grinned. "Besides, it didn't stop you the first time. And the second. And the third. And…."

"Stop, Shepard!" Kaidan snapped breathlessly. "So much time has passed. It's been almost three years. I can't just forget what happened. You need to give me some time!"

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered, stepping back slowly. Though his mind was screaming for Kaidan, he couldn't just push him against the wall and do what he wanted. He had to consider Kaidan's feelings. He'd never thought about how it must be for Kaidan. He didn't know if he could have welcomed him so easily if Kaidan had done all the shit he did.

"All right," he gasped. Breathing was getting difficult because something inside him was cutting out his air-support. "Ahm… I'll just go then. I'm… heading for Tuchunka… curing the Genophage… maybe with a few Reapers in my way…. So…"

He swallowed hard and didn't dare to look at Kaidan. Instead he fixed his eyes on Kaidan's boots, afraid of what might come next. Gathering his thoughts, Shepard coughed and summoned his courage again. Kaidan needed to know this.

"I… ehm… I just want you to know," he swallowed again. "If I don't come back…."

"Shhh," Kaidan's finger was back on his lips again. The major's brows arced in pain and his face was centimetres away from Shepard's again. Caught in an embrace, Shepard looked into Kaidan's brown eyes, which seemed to pierce through him.

"You _will_ come back, John."

Then their lips met.

Kissing Kaidan again, Shepard's mind turned blank. For a brief time, he couldn't respond. He didn't understand what they were doing or what Kaidan was playing at. But then, he decided that he didn't care.

Throwing his arms around Kaidan, Shepard urged into the kiss. With the warmth on those lips and Kaidan's chest against his, Shepard felt all the longing he'd been holding since Horizon. His hands started to move over Kaidan's body and they reached their destination at Kaidan's butt. Squeezing it slightly, Shepard pressed his own arousing part against Kaidan's. Feeling Kaidan's bulge, lust returned to him.

Now much he did want to push Kaidan against the wall, to make him moan while he sucked his cock. The feeling of Kaidan's skin on his caught his mind and Shepard lost the inner battle. He gave himself to his longins and lust and didn't feel a little ashamed about it. Imitatively, he was only a man.

Kaidan's didn't struggle when Shepard started to push him against the wall. He even helped Shepard to unbutton his fatigues and undid his belt. His strong fingers found the back of Shepard's skull and the sensation nearly made Shepard moan.

Following Kaidan's guidance, Shepard knelt down before the major. He saw the beautiful erection before him and nearly gasped as he realized how much he really missed it. Eagerly, he opened his mouth and took Kaidan in, as deep as he could.

He traced his tongue along the sensitive underside of Kaidan's cock and while he listened to Kaidan's suppressed moans, he sucked greedily. If this was the last time he got to suck this cock, he'd fucking make this memorable.

* * *

**Sorry to cut here. But since you all know how a blow-job works, I thought it's appropriate not the describe it. :-P**

**I really start to like my Renegade!Shepard. It's like he's telling me what to write. Sometimes I really surprise myself with his lines. (Like I said, I could never be sure if I can write humor or not^^)**

**But, maybe it's good for you to know that the plot (hahaha) of this story is already done. I just need to put them into words^^ (Still open to suggestions, though^^)  
**

**hope you liked it. And let me know if you did. :-D  
**

**HeavenOnFire  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Oh my god, the pace of this story is even surprising myself. But I hope you're okay with it^^  
**

**And to the one Guest: Thank you for your review! I have no idea who you are, but if you're reading this, you got my message^^  
**

**And to all the other: Thank you all. I love you.  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**05: **

The universe was big and full of surprises. That was what Shepard was told before he was old enough to grow a beard. Long before he had made his Name inside the Aliiance, Shepard though he'd already seen everything live could throw at him. But he'd never expected to fall in love with a soldier under his command, nor had he expected to have an armed stand-off with the exactly the same person. The one person he cared about the most in the world.

The past few hours were nothing but a mix of fear and anger. Though he had won the day in the end, the taste of victory hadn't sunken in yet. He had stopped that assassin and saved the council, but all those feelings were suppressed by the fear that he nearly shot Kaidan.

Everything went so fast but also so slowly. The seconds Kaidan needed to lower his gun seemed like years for Shepard. In that time, his only companion was his own thundering heartbeat and prospect of a future without Kaidan. What would had happened if Kaidan didn't back down? Would he have shot him? Would Garrus have shot him? Honestly, Shepard didn't know.

Even when Kaidan confronted him at the docking bay, Shepard still didn't know. When Kaidan challenged him in that small room, all Shepard told him was a lie. Seeing the doubt in Kaidan's eyes, Shepard didn't want to imagine what would have happened, if he said the truth.

How was Kaidan supposed to follow a leader who wasn't sure himself? How could Kaidan believe that he had the strength to stop this war if he couldn't bear the weight of choice? How would Kaidan love him again, if he knew that his lover might have killed him?

"It doesn't matter anymore!" He hissed to himself. "He's here now and he's alive!"

The elevator ride seemed to go on forever. If there wasn't the familiar hum of the Normandy, Shepard would think that the elevator was taking him straight to Hell. But it wasn't. Shepard knew that. He was on the Normandy and Kaidan was here somewhere.

When the door opened, Garrus and the wall full of names filled his sight. He had set up that wall as a constant reminder of what the war had cost. He had mourned for every one of them and for to every one of them, Shepard had vowed in secret that he would carve their names in a Reaper's corps.

"Hey, Garrus." He said, hoping that talking to Garrus would make him feel better.

"Hey, Shepard," Garrus replied and sighed. "That son of a bitch went mad in the end, hun? No offense, but I never liked him."

"Yeah, me neither." Shepard nodded. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just thinking," Garrus twisted his upper body and Shepard could feel his gaze. "Would you have done it?"

Shepard sighted. "I lied to Kaidan when I said I trusted him. But honestly, I don't know. If it wasn't Kaidan, I'm sure I might have."

"Mhm, I will remember that if we ever have an argument." Garrus chuckled. "Well, I'm just glad that Kaidan didn't have to join Ash."

For a moment Shepard had so search for her name of the wall. He wondered what'd happened if he didn't fall in love with Kaidan and saved her on Virmire instead. Would she love him just as Kaidan did? Would she hold him in moments he needed a shoulder? But there was no point in thinking like this. Ashley was dead and Shepard was responsible for it. He sacrificed her and she went proudly. That's all.

"Garrus, promise me," Shepard sighed and said eventually. "If I should be emotional compromised in the future and not suitable for command anymore, make sure you take me out before I do any damage."

"You're sure?"

"I don't want a situation like today again. If Kaidan hadn't backed down… let's say the council would be dead by now and I'd be a very angry man. And all what was in the way were my feelings for him. That's not acceptable."

"You mean it?"

"Every word." Shepard sighed. "I just hope that that day never comes."

"You have my word, then." Garrus nodded.

"This is an Alliance vessel and now Kaidan's here, he's officially the second in command," Shepard said, now finally looking his friend in the eye. "But if something happens to me, no matter what, I want you to command the Normandy."

"I'm flattered," Garrus looked surprised. "Kaidan wouldn't like it. Let alone your Alliance brass."

"I don't care what they say," he snorted. "I trust _you_."

"And Kaidan?"

"I…." he paused for a moment, searching for the right words. "It's not I don't trust him, he's too gentle. I don't want him crumple under such pressure."

"And I thought you have confidence in me." Garrus said with a slightly sour tone.

"Jealous?"

"You wish."

"Garrus," Shepard said with a sigh. "We both know that this war is getting ugly. In times like this, we need leaders who can make sacrifices if necessary. Kaidan is a damn good soldier, but he's not ruthless enough to beat the Reapers."

"I guess you're right," the turian nodded again. "Well, this is a human-turian vessel after all."

"Thank you, Garrus." Shepard smiled and turned to go. "Oh, we're going to save an asari colony. We'll be there soon; and I want you and Kaidan with me down there."

"Sure thing. And now go see him!"

Shepard smiled a little and then headed for the starboard observation. It's a suitable place for Kaidan, Shepard though. Ever since Samara was here, this room had something very spiritual lingering in here. In an unspoken way, this room was filled with calmness and serenity.

Maybe that was what made Kaidan's silhouette against the viewport so damn beautiful. The way he supported his arm against it made his shoulders look even broader. The features of his muscles could even be seen through his fatigues and the slender waist of that man was so inviting, Shepard approached slowly and laid an arm around it.

For a moment, he simply enjoyed Kaidan's scent and allowed his mind to dwell in the calmness of his room. He rubbed his face against Kaidan's shoulder and closed his eyes. The stars in front of him disappeared and the future presented itself to him. When he closed his eyes, he could embrace the world. The universe was only limited to his will and imagination and in every corner of it, Kaidan was waiting for him.

"Hey, handsome," he whispered. A shutter went through Kaidan and Shepard smiled slightly. "Settled in yet?"

"Not much to unpack." Kaidan said with low voice which sounded even more seductive. "And guess who I met in the hall. A sexy robot that beat the shit out of me once. I have to say, I like her much better this way."

Though Shepard was amused that nearly every male on this ship was attracted to their new super-sexy AI, he didn't like it that Kaidan was among those men. The surge of jealousy inside him made him press Kaidan tighter to himself. His hand found Kaidan's waist and with a rush move, he turned Kaidan to face him.

"You didn't change your mind, did you?"

Kaidan only sighed.

"What's wrong?" he let go of the major and placed himself next to the soldier who was constantly gazing out of the window. "Talk to me!"

"I heard from my family," Kaidan said with shaky voice. "It's my dad."

"You mentioned that they got out of Vancouver." He was actually proud that he still remembered what Kaidan had told him the last time during his visit in the hospital.

"He reported in for duty and let mom alone," Kaidan sighed again. "She's alone in this… shit. And he… he's MIA. Presumed…."

"I'm sorry." Shepard said, knowing that it was what he supposed to say. In truth something like family was only a concept to him. Though he cared about many people, all these bounds were forced under fire and struggle.

Clueless what else he should say or do; Shepard simply closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around Kaidan again. Kelly had told him that a hug could heal deep wounds, so maybe Shepard's hug could heal Kaidan's too. He places his head on Kaidan's shoulder and felt the weight of Kaidan's on his. For a moment, he only embraced the soldier. But when they parted, Shepard couldn't resist the sight of Kaidan's full lips.

But the major's hand was faster than his head. Kaidan pressed his fingers over Shepard's mouth and before he knew it, he'd been pushed away rather forcefully.

"What the Hell?" Shepard gasped.

"It's hardly the time, Shepard." Kaidan only shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Sorry, I thought you want that."

"I told you," Kaidan sighed. "I've moved on."

"What are you talking about?" Shepard asked, truly bewildered. He couldn't be wrong, could he? "You said you want to join me."

"Yes, on the Normandy. Not your bed!"

"What?" Shepard gasped again. He hated it if there were things he didn't understand. In the old days, such situations always ended badly and here with Kaidan, Shepard found himself unarmed in every sense. "What do you mean?"

"It means we should keep this professional." Kaidan said, sounding rather annoyed with Shepard. He shook his head again and gazed at Shepard in ways that could make him blush of shame.

"It's because we had that stand-off?" Shepard wondered. "I thought we cleared that. Look, I couldn't…."

"It's not because of the stand-off. That's behind us." Kaidan looked to the side. "It's just, I don't want this anymore."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"It ended when you went down with the first Normandy." Kaidan whispered.

"You're heartless!"

"You're calling me heartless? Butcher of Torfan?"

He'd never mind that other called him that, but being accused by Kaidan was like being slapped in the face. Shepard breathed in heavily and felt that his hands had turned into fists. He glared at Kaidan and fought down the urge to punch that insubordinate soldier.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan said quickly, glancing at Shepard's boots. "That wasn't fair. I never meant to hurt you, it's just…. Let's put it behind us, okay?"

"I don't understand this," Shepard gasped. "You… you hit on me! You sent signals!"

"I didn't!" Kaidan snapped.

"You told me that you still care! That you aren't seeing anyone!"

"It's true! I do care! About what happens to you! You're still a friend!"

"I don't want to be your friend!" he snapped. "And what about that blow-job? We made out! That's not very friendly!"

"Shepard, please," Kaidan moaned. "I don't want to fight with you."

"I sucked your cock!" Shepard shouted, not caring who else could hear him right now. "Dammit, I even swallowed your cum!"

"Stop, Shepard!"

But Shepard didn't want to stop. He couldn't. Kaidan was tearing a part of him into pieces Shepard didn't know he had. He knew he had loved Kaidan once, but he didn't know that he still did so much.

With his heart bleeding, Shepard charged into Kaidan. He pressed the soldier against the window and wrapped one arm around Kaidan's waist. With his mouth on Kaidan's, Shepard's other hand moved down to Kaidan's cock. He wanted to make Kaidan moan, to make him weak. To make him remember what it was like.

But Kaidan only struggled. Without moaning and without gentleness, Kaidan buried his fist in Shepard's face. The pain was sobering. Kaidan's had hit him in the face before, but that was a game of erotic. This time, it was a clear massaged of rejection.

"What the Hell is wrong with you?" Shepard shouted again. Then, a thought crossed his mind. "Is there anyone else?"

"No," Kaidan gasped.

But Shepard didn't believe him. Why else should Kaidan treat him this way? Why else should Kaidan abandon him in situation like this? He grabbed Kaidan's arms again and shook him hard.

"Tell me the truth, Kaidan!" He yelled. "Tell me the truth! Is there someone else! _Tell me!_"

"Stand down, Commander!" Kaidan hissed. "There _is_ no one else!"

"I don't believe you! You betrayed me! You lied to me! Tell me, how many did you fuck? How many did you screw while I was away! How many? Answer me!"

"Enough!" Kaidan barked and. "You're being ridiculous!"

"Tell me the truth!" Shepard's voice had become very low and very threatening. For a moment, he could see the fear in Kaidan's eyes. Those once beautiful brown eyes were now glaring at him, full of anger and full of hurt.

"Release me!" Kaidan hissed.

"Is there someone else!" he shouted again and shook Kaidan even harder. "Tell me, or I swear I'll…."

"Dammit, Shepard, there is, okay?" Kaidan barked and snapped Shepard's hands away. "It's been three years for god's sake! Deal with it! There is someone else okay? I lied to make you feel better, all right?"

"You!" Shepard raised his fist but stopped before he could smash Kaidan's jaw. "Screw you, Alenko! Screw you! Go hook up with EDI or whoever you want, I don't care! I'm done with you! And the next time we dock, you're leaving my ship or by god I swear, I will throw you out of the airlock!"

With that, Shepard turned on his heels and stormed off. Before the door closed behind him, he could already feel the hot tears gathering in his eyes. His heart had been crushed. By Kaidan. Again.

"Garrus!" He barked as he saw the crowed which had gathered outside the starboard observation. He wiped the single tears from his face and moved his gaze upon his asari friend. "Liara, gear up! We're going down!"

* * *

**Hope you liked it. **

**And don't hit me please, I just can't help but torturing these too. It's not my fault that they always are so adorable and react in so sweet ways to each other. If you want someone to blame, how about BioWare? They created this couple and I'm just adding something^^**

**Okay, it's my fault that Shepard and Kaidan are suffering^^ Don't look at me like that, you know you like it. XD.  
**

**HeavenOnFire**


	6. Chapter 6

**Why I am alive**

**06: **

"Please, mother!" the asari-girl had begged and cried.

"There is no other way, my daughter. I love you very much."

Then she had pulled the trigger and her blood had painted the floor. Shepard had watched without even a flinch while Liara gasped behind him.

She had done it out of love. He knew it. He watched her corps for a moment and realized he didn't feel anything but the loss of wasted talent. He could have used her. She would have made an excellent opponent for those abominations. But now, she was lying on the floor, her pale blue eyes gazing at nothing but endless void.

Shepard sighed and raised his gun on the crying girl. She gasped and so did Liara. She begged him to stop, to spare her. To let her stay here. She even promised not to let the Reaper get her.

_What a pointless promise._ He thought. What would she do? Go and hide forever? Stay here alone in the dark filled with sorrow and grief for her sister and mother? _I don't think so._

"Her sister and mother died to make sure she can live!" Liara urged behind him.

"It's too dangerous." Shepard replied. "They will get her."

But in his head, he was crying for this girl just as this girl cried for her sister. The world is too cruel to endure it alone. And that girl? From her birth, she was dammed to be alone. Shepard thought of the expression on her face when she hammered on the elevator door, hearing that the person she loved was dying and he sighed deeply.

He could even see it now. She was hurting. As an adart-yakshi, she would live a thousand year without touching anyone, without loving, without knowing how it was to be close to the one you love. What could she do break this ban of loneliness?

The pain on her face was clear. She knew that she'd stay here in solitude forever. With everyone she cared about and loved gone, what could life offer her? How much must a soul suffer before gaining salvation? How much must a person endure to see the heaven?

Without love, the world was empty for her. She would wander in isolation until one day her grief turn into anger. She would tumble through the great black pit of her heart and then anger would turn into fury. But when the fire burned down, she would gaze upon the stars and think of the people she loved and lost. Knowing that the world she'd fought for and bleed for was no more. And she would do it with ashes in her chest where her heart should be.

Shepard knew it.

He pointed his pistol at her and looked her into the eyes. She blinked and nodded and Shepard pulled the trigger. He didn't register Liara's gasping behind him or Garrus' snoring. He only closed his eyes for a moment and smiled, that he could as least deliver one soul from pain.

When he opened his eyes again, he was gazing at his bed which was as empty as the space above. Here in the darkness, with all surveillance shut down, Shepard could weep in secret. He didn't remember the last time he cried, but now, tears rolled down his cheeks like an endless rain.

Eventually, his tears were dry and Shepard's world turned from black to grey. He decided to sleep and when he woke up, he decided to eat. He went to the war room and checked his war assets and his journal. When he decided which mission was to do first, he picked his team and went down to business. For months, the cry of battle and the surge of adrenaline was the only thing which could keep him alive.

He didn't talk to Kaidan and didn't look at him, unless it was necessary. He didn't take Kaidan with him unless it was inevitable because the others need their rest. He didn't even think about Kaidan unless he was alone and under the shower where not even EDI could spy on him.

The war had become tiresome. Time went by and every day reports for more losses were coming in. When they had reached nearly two month without shore-leave, even Shepard started to feel the fatigue. Though Garrus had urged him to take some leave on the Citadel, at some point Shepard wanted to avoid that place. Deep in his heart, he knew it was because Kaidan would leave him there.

"Shepard," Liara's gentle voice sounded from the door. "Is this a bad time?"

"I didn't hear you knock." He replied and wiped the fresh tears from his face.

"I'm sorry, EDI said you're here. I can leave if this is a bad time."

"Tell me a good one," he said and looked at her with his exhausted eyes. "What do you need?"

"Just a place to stay." Liara said and smiled at him.

"Something happened to your room?" He joked, trying to make himself functioning again.

"Kaidan's occupying it." Liara only said and sat down next to him on the couch.

"Kaidan?" He choked. _What is Kaidan doing in Liara's room?_ Images of Kaidan lying in Liara's bed, naked and sweaty, filled his mind and again, Shepard felt his heart sunk. He'd told Kaidan that he was free to do whatever he wanted, but knowing that Kaidan indeed was doing it was still too painful to bear. He felt tears gathering in his eyes again and for a moment, he couldn't look at Liara.

"I'm sorry," Liara said hastily. "You misunderstood me. He's having a migraine and need a place to rest."

"He's in pain?" Shepard blurted it out. His throat was dry and his voice was trembling. _Kaidan's in pain! _His mind shouted. _I must go to him! _But then he remembered that Kaidan didn't want him anymore. He bit back his tears and looked at Liara again. "Is it bad?"

"He said it's bearable. He just needed a quiet place with dim lights."

"You came here to tell me that?" He asked, very uncertain.

"I thought you might want to see him." Liara offered. "I know you still care about him."

"It's over, Liara." He sighed.

"I know what he said, but it didn't have to be true."

"I appreciate your effort," he whispered to her. "I know you can see everything on this ship, but at least let me the illusion of having privacy, okay?"

"All right," she nodded and stood up. "I'll leave you alone then. And Shepard, you should take some shore-leave."

When Liara left his cabin, Shepard gazed at the spot she sat on. He suddenly realized that Kaidan had never sat there before and that he might never will. It was like in the old days when he was fighting collectors. Back in those days, he had felt the same loneliness. Back in those days, he had hope that Kaidan might one day fill that spot.

"EDI," he said, a suddenly inspiration in his mind. "Show me Liara's room."

"Right away, Commander." EDI's voice answered. "But I have to inform you that Dr. Tisoni is not in her room."

"I know. Just show it."

"I will direct the footage to your omni-tool immediately. EDI out."

A second later, Shepard activated the incoming channel. The screen showed a familiar room with dim lights. And there in the darkness laid the man he still loved. Looking down at Kaidan, Shepard couldn't believe that he was still on this ship. Kaidan seemed so far away, a thousand miles and a thousand clusters.

Seeing the missed features laying in Liara's bed, deeply in pain, Shepard wanted to go there and to hold him. He wanted to run his hands through that black hair and kiss his temper. He wanted to hear Kaidan's breathes and feel his heart throb, but all he could do was watching him from the distance.

There was a time when Kaidan asked him for a quiet place to endure his suffering and there was a time when Kaidan would smile when their gaze met. But that time was long gone. The war had taken it. The war had changed them.

How could he blame him? He had let Kaidan alone for years. He wasn't there to protect him, to keep him save or to spent him comfort. He wasn't there to hold Kaidan when he returned from his missions. He wasn't there to kiss him goodbye when he broke off to fight against the evil. He was dead.

How could he blame Kaidan for wanting a life?

"Goodbye," Shepard wept at the screen. "I still love you…. And I… I wish you the best…. Just… don't forget me."

Then, he closed the window and swallowed his pain.

"EDI," he called eventually when his tears were dry again. "Tell Joker to take us to the Citadel. We'll have three days of shore leave."

* * *

**This was actually inspired by Shepard's facial expression after the fall of Thessia and his talk with Steve on the Citadel. **

**I know that shooting Falare is somehow evil, but that was my thought why Shepard would kill her. At least in this story. I think it's quite understandable considering what just happened between him and Kaidan. So on this, I really like to see your reations and thoughts. :-)  
**

**HeavenOnFire**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hi, I'm back. I had some difficulty writing this chapter since I didn't know how I should write this to link up with the ending I intended. I tried to write this the way I've originally planned but it always end up a really boring chapter. I think this is actually my third or fourth try but now I'm quite okay with it.  
And thank you for all your reviews and kind words.  
**

**Enjoy and hope you like it.  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**07: **

Shore leave didn't seem like shore leave for Shepard since there is nothing waiting for him here except from more people reminding him that he had a galaxy to save.

Leaning against the wall next to Avina in the Docking bay D24, Shepard watched all the soldiers coming and going. He wondered if one of them had to make through the same shit as he had. If anyone of them still had a wife or husband waiting for them when they came home. If they came home.

He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes for a moment only to snap it open immediately because Kaidan's face was waiting behind his closed lids. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen Kaidan face to face without two layers of helmets between them. How had it all come this far? How could he end up not talking to Kaidan anymore?

He hated this war. He just hated it. He couldn't exactly say what the war had taken, but he knew it was too much. He had lost two years, a ship, many friends and he had lost the one person he really and deeply cared about. And the Reapers were fault.

He sometimes still wondered what would've happened if he hadn't shoved Kaidan out of the beacon's range and didn't receive the vision about the Reaper invasion. Would Kaidan have been strong enough to bear the images? Would anyone have believed Kaidan's story? Or would they all be dead by now?

It was pointless to think like this. What had happened was something Shepard couldn't change, but he could still change the outcome of this war. Maybe one day when the war was over, Kaidan would talk to him again? Maybe Kaidan would love him again? Yeah, maybe.

He sighed again and decided to do something useful with his time. It took him hours to find all the people he had promised help and by the time he had told everyone where to get their stuff, his throat was dry and his legs tired. With all his works done and without a destination, Shepard's mind wandered back to the one man he missed so much. He didn't know if Kaidan had left the Normandy yet or if he was still aboard, gathering his stuff. For some reason, Shepard didn't want to say good bye. Normally good bye meant farewell and farewell meant mostly he'd never see that guy again.

No matter how angry he was or how hurt he felt, Shepard couldn't stand the thought that he might never see Kaidan again. Though he knew that the odds of surviving this were slim, he still couldn't add fuel to the fire. If he should ever life without Kaidan, no, Shepard couldn't continue the thought.

Tired of his own thoughts and his obsession with Kaidan, Shepard found himself at the bay of Purgatory, drinking one shot after the other. He didn't even know why he came here in the first place but with the effect of these strong dinks kicking in, his mind became pleasantly empty.

That was the time when he felt a hand on his arm. The touch was too rough of be of a woman's but too soft to be Kaidan's. Turning around, Shepard found himself watching into the deep blue eyes of his good-looking Lieutenant.

"Hey, Commander, glad you made it!" Steve smiled and ordered two drinks for them. "Looks like you started without me."

"Steve!" Shepard laughed, suddenly remembering that Steve had invited him to a drink. "Good to see you here. Drinking alone is becoming pathetic!"

"Now I'm here to make you look good," Steve smiled and lowered his head a little.

Shepard had always thought that Steve looked weird but also very handsome. Though his skin was rather dark, his eyes were so blue Shepard didn't know if it was creepy and incredibly attractive. Suddenly he started to see Steve in a different light. The shuttle-pilot was interested in men and was as far as Shepard knew, single. And he invited Shepard to a drink. So if he wasn't stupid, this was considered a date?

"I'm hurt!" Shepard said, stepping back from the bar and crossed his arms. "You think I didn't look good before?"

"Who said that?" Steve grinned. "But I don't want to get into trouble with Kaidan. I know there is something between you."

"That's all in the past," Shepard said without any noticeable change in his voice though he hated the fact that everybody knew it. "Now is what matters, right?"

"Well, in that case," Steve smiled gently. "Dance with me."

For a moment Shepard thought about saying no. He had danced lots of time with Kaidan in Cora's Den and no matter how hard he tried to impress Kaidan, it all ended up with a burst of laughter from Ashley or the sheepish blush of Kaidan.

But still, Shepard considered himself a rather good dancer no matter how many people told him that he certainly wasn't an artist on the dance floor.

_I am fucking Commander Shepard and I can dance how I want! Folks, deal with it!_

"Lead the way!" he grinned and sneaked a glance at Steve's butt. He was so used to the sight of Kaidan's infamous one he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

Being wanted was a good thing. Shepard had kept to himself for so long he desperately wanted to feel another body against his. He wouldn't say that he stayed faithful because of the lack of opportunities, but at that time he just couldn't cheat on Kaidan.

But now was a different matter. Kaidan had rejected him. Kaidan had said no. Kaidan had somebody else. So why shouldn't he do the same? Why should he stay alone while Kaidan could screw around? Why shouldn't he be free and do whatever he wanted?

"It's good to see you like this," Steve pointed out while they danced with each other. It wasn't the totally loosened and free dance like he did with Kaidan, but it was also good to see that Steve wasn's about burst out laughing. At this time, Shepard was glad he wasn't drunk enough to do his usual wave with the arms.

"Dancing?" _Maybe I should show him my moves…._

"Relaxing," Steve said and stepped just a little closer. "Usually, I see you walk off my shuttle right into hell. It's good to know that there's still a man under that armour."

"I can show you what a man I can be!" Shepard said and wrapped his arm around Steve's waist. He didn't wait for the response but pressed his lips onto Steve's. He tasted so different than Kaidan; but the warm lips still send thrills down his spine and awakened the lust in his loins.

"Commander!" Steve moaned with a smile. "You sure are impatient."

"Time is short, Steve," Shepard smirked.

"I guess, you're right," the pilot grinned. "But that's not what I intended."

_Please tell me I'm not mistaken again! _

"Come on, Steve," Shepard moved his hand to grab Steve's butt to which the pilot didn't object. "Let's get back to the Normandy."

To his surprise, Steve nodded. "Today is all what matters. I'm not wasting it!"

That was enough for Shepard. He didn't hesitate to turn around and headed for the door. The whole way back to the ship, it was a rather awkward silence between those two. They didn't say much but deepened their tongue in each other's mouth as soon as the door of the elevator was closed.

To be honest, Shepard hadn't had sex since he was rebuilt by Cerberus and he couldn't wait to see what enhancement they had given him. For a long time, Shepard had thought that his second first time would be with Kaidan, but at that time the major was still an option. Well, if he couldn't have Kaidan, Steve would do too.

When they crushed into the airlock, tongues deep in each other's throat, the Normandy was quiet and dark. He didn't know if Joker was still here and didn't know if anyone saw them, when he had pinned Steve to the elevator door and pushed his tongue even further down the pilot's throat. When they finally arrived in Shepard's cabin, his cock was hard like krogan scale.

Steve smiled at the sight and loosened his fatigues. Shepard had never slept with a man like Steve before and wondered how he might taste like. He pushed the pilot onto his bed and stepped out of his shoes. He covered Steve's nipple with his lips and then scratched his teeth over Steve's skin.

The pilot moaned and it made Shepard want to fuck him even more. They undressed themselves without much talking because there was nothing to be said. They both knew what this was about and apparently both were okay with it.

When Steve was down to his briefs before Shepard, the commander grinned. His eyes traced along the dark skin of the pilot and it was all lust. Smirking and grinning, Shepard placed himself between Steve's legs and lowered his head to taste Steve's tongue again.

He closed his eyes and dwelled in the moment of the kiss. Kaidan's tongue was so hot and so sweet with an aftertaste of the sweet cocktail. His body was trembling and Shepard moved his hand to stroke Kaidan's cock.

The moan Kaidan managed sounded strange. His cock felt strange. His body was strange and the kiss was strange. Shepard gasped and opened his eyes, stunned for a moment to see his shuttle-pilot lying under him, panting and gazing at him with lips slightly parted.

Closing his eyes in fear, Shepard had to remind himself that the man under him wasn't Kaidan. _He is not Kaidan!_

And with that, Shepard's lust was gone. He tried to stimulate himself again with the thought how wonderful warm Steve might feel like. He stroked his own semi-hard cock forcefully and pressed his lips against Steve's. The pilot must have noticed the change of tension inside him for his gently kissed Shepard's shoulder and neck.

But when Steve's fingers touched Shepard's cock, the commander flinched and his lust vaporized. With a deep sigh, he opened his eyes and gazed into Steve's blue ones. For a moment, shame was all he felt. The taste of failure filled his tongue and the anger came with it.

Determinate not to let himself being marked as wimp, Shepard pushed Steve back down on the bed. He didn't hold back to kiss Steve's skin and didn't hesitate to squeeze his butt. He pressed his whole body against Steve's and imagined that Kaidan was the man whose fingernails were scratching over his back.

"Commander…." Steve moaned and reminded Shepard who he was trying to sleep with.

"Shhh…." Shepard whispered while he mentally retrieved to one of those hot nights he fucked Kaidan senseless.

Thinking about nights which were almost three years ago, Shepard felt his body react. He recalled Kaidan's gasping face inside his mind and pretended that Steve was the man he really wanted to be with. If he tried hard enough, he could almost believe it.

With lust slowly return to him and anger to power his actions, Shepard hastily covered his cock with the lube from his bed-drawer. He pushed Steve's legs aside and stroked his entrance with the tip of his cock. Then he kissed Steve hard on the lips while his pushed in teadyly. Kaidan had always liked it and Kaidan had always moaned like Steve was doing now.

Once inside, Shepard's moved went from soft to hard in a growing pace. With every thrust, Steve moaned a little louder and Shepard felt his cock harden. The sensation of fucking was indeed amazing. It had been so long he didn't even remember how good it really was.

Soon, Shepard was lost in the sensation. He didn't care anymore if this man was Kaidan or Steve. He only wanted to make his victim scream and shout. He turned Steve around and pushed his chest to the bed. Grabbing his ass, Shepard watched his own cock disappear in Steve again and again. He listened to Steve's gasps and breathes and soon he was convinced that he certainly had more stamina than before.

Without love and without the flaming passion he used to feel during sex, all Shepard could focus on was the sensation of fucking itself. He wouldn't say that Steve felt wrong or even bad, but Steve wasn't Kaidan. He didn't have to consider his feelings or his desired. As long as they both came, all was fine.

When he pushed in for the hundreds time, Steve started to tremble under him. The pilot's knees buckled and Shepard used the chance to press the lieutenant to the bed on his stomach. He remembered the feeling when Kaidan and he had used this position. How Kaidan had shivered under him and moaned many many things while they were together. He remembered the kisses Kaidan had given him while he had given Kaidan his soul.

But this was Steve Cortez and all what Shepard would give him was a hard fuck.

When he finally came over Steve's back, the shuttle-pilot was gasping hard. For a moment, he allowed himself to rest on the pilot's body but then rolled down with a deep snort. It was refreshing to have sex again but it wasn't nearly as satisfying as it had been with Kaidan. Though he was sweaty and exhausted and relaxed, there was still a knot in his chest he couldn't untie.

"Well, commander," Steve gasped after a while and smiled. "No you are official a beast, Sir!"

"Thanks," Shepard replied, lying on his bed and watching the ceiling. After he had done this and the rush of adrenaline slowly vanished from his veins, the reality hit him hard. This was wrong no matter if he was single or not. It was unfair to use Steve like this. The pilot had trusted him but Shepard had only used him for a source to vent heat. And not matter how hard he tried to lie to himself that he was a free man, he couldn't overcome the feeling of betrayal. He sighed.

"Uhm…" Steve hesitated and moved to the other edge of his bed. "I should leave."

"Yeah," Shepard nodded, still not looking at Steve. "It's probably for the best."

Shepard remained silent while Steve dressed himself. He listened to the sound of the clips on their fatigues and sighed mentally, hoping that this might never come out. He didn't know what demon had taken his body and driven him into this mess. How was he supposed to walk into the armoury again without struck by guilt? How was he supposed to look Kaidan in the eyes again and pretend that all was fine?

"Commander?" Steve sounded behind him. Shepard hesitated for a moment but then turned around to face the shuttle-pilot. "I won't tell anyone, if that's what you want."

"I appreciate that, Steve," Shepard replied and put on his own briefs. "I'm… I'm sorry."

"Don't be, Shepard," the pilot smiled softly. "You let me realize how I really feel… about someone. Thank you."

"Someone?" He couldn't stop himself from asking though he knew that nothing dictated Steve to tell him that. Was all his effort in vain that Steve still loved his husband? Or was he talking about someone else?

"With all due respect, Sir," Steve gave him his little smile. "But that's none of your business."

Shepard got up from the bed and stepped closer to the pilot. He couldn't say that he liked the way Steve talked to him.

"Don't worry, Sir," Steve said and Shepard saw the reflection of his own glowing eyes in Steve's. "It won't affect my work."

For a moment he wanted to tell Steve that his was his ship and he needed to know that kind of things. But then he remembered something Kaidan had told him once and said. "I respect your privacy, Steve. And thanks, anyway."

"You know where to find me," Steve added and walked towards the door. "If you want to talk, I'll be there for you."

"Noted."

Steve gave him a last smile and turned toward the door. When it hissed open, the shuttle-pilot bumped into a person whose face quickly turned into a mask of shock as realization dawned.

"Major!" the shuttle-pilot gasped and Shepard's heart stopped beating.

* * *

**Okay, is this a cliff-hanger? It is, right? Okay, I admit, I LOVE cliff-hangers! :-D **

**I think, in this chapter i sort of handled up my crush on Cortez. (Couldn't romance him. Kaidan was always around.) I apologize to all the Cortez fan out there for how I used him here. But hey, blame Shepard, not me. XD**

**Please let me know what you think of this story/chapter. Thank you so much. :-)**

**HeavenOnFire  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Actually not much to say. :-) Just the new chapter. :-)  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**08: **

"Major!" the shuttle-pilot gasped and Shepard's heart stopped beating for a moment. He couldn't quite say what that expression on Kaidan's face meant but shock and hurt were definitely in there.

"Commander," Kaidan saluted and then nodded to Steve. "Lieutenant, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to the commander, in private."

"Yes, Sir!" Steve managed a quick salute and hurried to the elevator, looking very much like escaping from some giant bug.

When Steve disappeared in the elevator, Kaidan stepped into Shepard's cabin without further words. He clenched his hands behind his back and only his eyes showed something else than military standards. Those brown eyes were so cold suddenly and Shepard found himself shivering.

"Commander," his once boyfriend said with absolute professionalism in his voice which didn't help much because no matter what Kaidan was saying it always sounded sexy and seductive to Shepard.

"Major," he replied automatically.

"With permission, I'd like to speak with you."

"Permission granted," Shepard said before he could stop himself. Actually, he wanted to hurry over to Kaidan and close him in his arms and whisper to the painfully missed man that he was willing to listen to anything Kaidan'd say.

"Sir, if you don't mind," Kaidan started and cleared his throat. "Maybe you should put on some cloth first."

"Of course!" Shepard gasped, suddenly remembering that he was wearing nothing but his briefs. While he retrieved his cloth from everywhere of his cabin, he tried hard to not to think about what Kaidan might be thinking. Was this too obvious? _Oh course it is!_ Steve in his cabin, Shepard in briefs and Kaidan's wasn't stupid; but even a stupid guy could have connected the dots.

When he finally was dressed again, Kaidan was still standing right there with both hand behind his back and legs slightly aside. It was all Alliance standards and Kaidan looked just like the kind of soldier you'd use for ads.

"Kaidan," Shepard started. "I can explain."

"There's no need, Sir." Kaidan said, not looking at him but somewhere behind him. "I didn't come here to discuss your private life, Sir."

Shepard flinched. What Kaidan had just said translated in his mind to "I'm not stupid. You can fuck whoever you want, I don't freaking care."

"Kaidan, please…."

"There is really no need for explanation, Sir."

"What the hell? You stopped being formal with me a long time ago! Stop this bullshit!"

"Just keeping up the protocols, Sir." Kaidan replied which felt like a slap in Shepard's face. "Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

"Permission granted!" Shepard nearly shouted. He knew he had done wrong but the kind of punishment Kaidan was giving him was just a little more than he could stand right now.

"I wish to stay aboard the Normandy," Kaidan said and his eyes wandered back to Shepard's. For a moment Shepard could swear that he saw disgust in there but also something very challenging.

"Really? What make you thing that?" he snorted.

"I have to remind you that your previous decision about my departure was made under emotional compromise. Thus, the order is invalid until you rectify it in sober state."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Shepard raised an eye-brow.

"I'm asking you _not_ to rectify that order," Kaidan only said. Somehow the way Kaidan challenged him made Shepard want to punch him and kiss him at the same time. His old Kaidan, his kinky-LT would never have the guts to talk to him like that; but with rank, Kaidan had apparently built up some confidence.

"And why should I do that?" Shepard smirked, secretly wanting to see Kaidan's limits.

"Because you know where I can be at my best," Kaidan replied, now pinning Shepard down with his eyes. "Despite our arguments and personal involvements, we both know that this war is too important to let our feelings get in the way."

After a pause where Shepard didn't comment on that, Kaidan went on. "You know my skills, Commander. Without self-praise, you know that my tech-skills are excellent and I'm one of the most powerful biotics in the Alliance. Here, aboard this ship, my skills won't be wasted."

"How many times have you practiced that line?" Shepard smirked.

Kaidan cleared his throat and Shepard could see that the major was trying not to smile.

"A few," he said eventually.

"Well said, Major," Shepard sighed. He didn't need to be reminded of what damage Kaidan could do; he knew it very well. In all these years, Shepard couldn't count how many times he had wished the marine back at his side. Not just because he had deep feelings for Kaidan; but also because he knew that he could always count on Kaidan's skills. "But major, if you want to stay, you'll need to find other arguments. Just because you're good doesn't give you the right to be part of my crew."

Kaidan's brows twitched slightly and for a moment he looked pained, which almost made Shepard regret his words.

"Be honest with me, Kaidan."

"All right," the major sighed. "I don't want to leave. I don't want to join Hackett's team. Not that the Crucible isn't important, but being here really means something. To me."

"How so?" Shepard pushed his luck. Either it would end up with Kaidan telling him his true intension or a very painful blow to his face. And now, Shepard was okay with both.

"What could it possibly be?" Kaidan made a sarcastic sound. "This is the final frontier! This is it! The war we've been expecting since Eden Prime. I've been with you since the very beginning and I want to stay to the very end." He paused and sighed heavily. "The chance that we all survive this is pretty low and when I die, I want to die with people I care about."

"Wasn't so hard, was it?" Shepard smirked again, enjoying the triumph though it was only achieved by words.

"You have no idea," Kaidan let out a breath which was half a sigh and half a laugh.

"But this is not enough, Kaidan!" Shepard said. For any other if might have been, but there was more Shepard wanted from Kaidan. He didn't know exactly what, but it wasn't enough. "I want more!"

"Do I really have to drop my pants?" Kaidan groaned.

"What?" Was Kaidan suggesting? "You're still interested?"

"It doesn't matter," the major replied dryly. "As long as it pleases you and assures my place in your crew, I'm willing to do just anything."

"Even that?" That wasn't what he'd asked for. This shouldn't be. Kaidan shouldn't feel like he had to.

"Consider it a token of my resolve, Commander."

Caught completely off guard, Shepard tried to remember how to breathe. Kaidan's words were spinning in his head and his tone was ringing in his ears. It took Shepard several minutes to comprehend Kaidan's suggestion and then he realized that Kaidan had just offered some kind of a bribe.

He had changed. The Kaidan he knew would rather die than make such a vile offer. The Kaidan he knew was always true to his believes and had always been a symbol of integrity. What had happened to turn Kaidan into such a ruthless person?

"So, what do you say, Commander?" Kaidan's face stayed unchanged and for a second, Shepard didn't recognize the fire burning in those brown eyes.

"I…" Shepard stammered, still too stunned to form an answer. "It's a big deal!"

"It's not, Commander," Kaidan closed in and lowered his gaze. He pushed Shepard against his desk and whispered. "If this is the prize, I'm willing to pay."

"I…" he stammered again. Finding himself in a trap between Kaidan and his desk, he suddenly remembered a scene he'd seen before; only at that time Kaidan was the one trapped. "Screw this! I want you! Now!"

With a swift motion, he shifted around and pinned Kaidan to his desk. He pushed the major against the hard surface and pressed his growing part against to Kaidan's famous butt. Feeling its warmth through the layers of fabric, anticipations rose inside him again.

Though he just had sex, Kaidan could still trigger lust inside him like no other. His little stunt with Steve was good but not as satisfying as it could be with Kaidan. And to be honest, Shepard didn't want to wait any more in case Kaidan withdrew his offer.

His hand wandered over Kaidan's body and forcefully he ripped Kaidan's fatigues open. Pulling it off, Shepard gasped at the sight of Kaidan's bare back. It wasn't the missed and warm skin which made him gasp for air but the huge scars on his shoulder blades. Seeing the wounds which still weren't completely healed and pink, Shepard heart turned into ashes.

Kaidan's injury was his failure. Kaidan's pain had been his pain. His resolve shouldn't been proven in a way with so many distaste.

"No!" He gasped, retreating from the beautiful body which was meant to be his sanctuary. "I can't do this…."

"Why wait?" Kadian's whisper was so seductive Shepard had to cover his ears to escape its spell. He had to close his eyes to avoid the body which would drag him back to a mistake he'd never been able to correct. He took a deep breath and bumped his head against his shower door.

"Don't tempt me, Kaidan!" He begged, still trying to think straight. "I want you on my team, you know that! But this is not how I want you to prove it!"

"I can come back later," Kaidan suggested.

"Stop!"

"What else should I do, Shepard?" Kaidan's voice sounded. "Tell me what I should do to earn my spot? What do you want? I would give you anything!"

"You don't know what you're saying!" Shepard whimpered and finally gathered enough courage to look at Kaidan again. The major was as beautiful as ever. Shepard always loved the way Kaidan gazed at him with this melancholically veil before his iris. Like now. "Kaidan…."

"Stop Kaidan me," he whispered. "Just tell me what you want? I know I've made mistakes; but give me a change to make up to it!"

"Be honest with me!" Shepard said with trembling voice. No one in this universe had ever managed to bring him so close to the edge. Being cornered by Kaidan was like fighting an invincible and invisible enemy who was still a hundred times bigger than you. "Kaidan, if you want to stay, no more lies! This all isn't the true reason why you want to be here! I'm asking you a last time, why!"

"Because I love you!" Kaidan shouted. "I mean, I loved you and I trust you. I have faith in you that you, only you can stop the Reapers. And when it all comes to an end, I want to be part of it."

"No, no, no!" Shepard mind had stopped functioning since Kaidan had said what he believed he'd heard. "Say it again!"

"I trust you!"

"Not that! What you said before!"

"It's not what I meant."

"Dammit, Kaidan! What do you want me to do? You can't push me away and then rush in to tell me you love me!"

"I don't!" Kaidan snapped. "Not as I used to. I'm sorry; it's not what you deserve. I… I better go. You were right; it's for the best if I go…."

"Kaidan, wait!" Shepard moaned and closed his arms around Kaidan's chest. "Don't go! Please, stay with me! Don't leave me alone."

"You're not," Kaidan whispered. "You have an excellent crew, friends, and Cortez."

And it all crumpled down. Thousands of thoughts occupied his mind and all of them wanted to come out. But with so many words stuck in his throat like a crowd in the doorframe, Shepard found his tongue tied with unbreakable force. Unable to say anything that made sense, he only pressed his whole body against Kaidan's, wishing that he could simply melt into the man and let Kaidan feel how he felt.

He shook his head and released Kaidan after a long time where nothing happened and he accepted that he couldn't simply show Kaidan his mind like Liara could. He didn't even notice that he was flaring blue, covered with his biotic energy due to the lack of his mental control.

"I'm so sorry!" he whimpered again, returning to normal colour. "I really didn't mean to cheat."

"Shepard," Kaidan sighed. "You're a free man; you can do whatever you want."

"And you're not even jealous!" He nearly sobbed.

"You have no idea!" Kaidan hisses with a cruel and very hurt undertone. "What do you think I feel? I loved you so much but I lost you. When you came back, I don't know you anymore!"

Kaidan's fingers slowly traced Shepard's facial scars and his expression hardened. Shepard had never considered this before if his scars bothered Kaidan. Without his blue eyes, did Kaidan even recognize him?

"Of course I'm jealous!" Kaidan said again. "I've seen the dossier of that Cerberus bitch! And Fuck! Cortez? I'm so jealous I can just go and kill everyone! Shepard, I don't know what I should do anymore! I'm going nuts!"

"Why didn't you tell me!" Shepard winced. "Why did you break up with me?"

"I was stupid and afraid okay?" Kaidan cried. He lowered his head and bumped it into Shepard's shoulder, catching him in a very fierce embrace. "I was afraid I might lose you again. I told myself that if we're not together, the pain might be easier to bear. I… I still can't believe that you're really here! Dammit, Shepard, you were dead! I was at your funeral and saw you get spaced!" he paused and pressed his face against Shepard's ear. "God, seeing you here and… with somebody else, it's even worse than thinking you're dead!"

"Why didn't just tell me!" He caught Kaidan's arms and shook him, looking into his eyes. "Why didn't you come to me and tell me that you want to stay because of me?"

"Because it's unprofessional! And fraternization! And a distraction none of us can afford! There are so many reasons why we shouldn't be together!"

"I piss on fraternization! I piss on those regulations!" Shepard hissed angrily. "I don't care if they court-martial me or discharge me after this fucking war! As long as you still love me, I'll destroy anything in my way to be with you!"

"Damn, Shepard. How can you say that?"

"I'm serious, Kaidan!" Shepard said with a very deep voice. "I will never leave you again!"

"Promise that!"

"I swear, nothing will stop me!"

"I love you, John! I love you so much!" Kaidan cried and fell back into his arms.

In this moment, Shepard couldn't even remember how it was like when he was not with Kaidan. He didn't care how many hurdles they had to pass; even if they were mountains or clusters or the deep space, being in Kaidan's arms again was worth it all.

* * *

**Okay, no cliff-hanger this time. It wasn't easy for me to get them back together, but it eventually worked. **  
**I start to like this aggressive Shepard more than my usual Paragon Shep and it's just creepy. And I noticed that I forgot to mention his facial scars before. Well let's pretend he did a few bad things recently and they got really visible just now. XD **

**Please, if there anything you want me to know, leave a Review or a PM me. :-) Always happy to see feedback and always happy to be of service to any questions or suggestions or whatever you have. :-) **

**HeavenOnFire**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hi, this time, it's something rather important^^  
ATTENTION: Before you read this one, I want to point you towards another story I just posted because that story is called "Three days of shore leave". So you might have a clue now what that one is about^^ I couldn't add them here, because it's totally out of form. So you can go read the other or continue here.  
(I actually finished this chapter several days ago, but I really didn't want to update until the other is done.)  
**

**And thank you to all the lovely reviews you gave me! Special thanks to Pupkiba and DrawnMemory. Thank you so much! And have fun.  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**09: **

And it was all worth it.

After these three days of shore leave, Shepard would have gladly died a thousand times if that was the prize for all the pain in the world.

To be with Kaidan again, Shepard would have killed every man, every woman, crossed every mountain and every sea. But the only enemies he had to slain were Kaidan's fear and his own guild. Once these two were eliminated, Shepard had felt alive.

He had walked a thousand miles on the Citadel with Kaidan hands in his. He had smiled a thousand times at the man who was his friend again. And he would have joined his body with Kaidan's a thousand times if he had the chance to.

Now, watching Kaidan sleep at his side was like coming home. With the warmth of his skin on Shepard, the everlasting inferno finally stopped eating him away. With Kaidan in his arms, Shepard felt like as if he had let out the breath he'd been holding since he was reborn by Cerberus.

Here, Shepard felt simply in love.

When Kaidan shifted in his arms, Shepard's heart made a flip, because he knew that soon he'd hear the husky voice again which always made him smile.

"Hey," he whispered gently and bent down to kiss Kaidan's forehead. His finger traced the arc of Kaidan's brow and for a moment time seemed to stop as Kaidan eyes opened under his lashes like a flower in spring. "Good morning, sweetheart."

"Hey," Kaidan moaned faintly and smiled. "You're gonna make a habit of this?"

"You don't like it?"

"I get used to it," Kaidan whispered in good nature and his eyes wandered over Shepard's feature. "Why are you dressed already?"

"We'll be at the veil in two hours." Shepard said and kissed Kaidan's lips. It wasn't a rough one or a long one. But one Shepard put his heart into.

"Wait!" Kaidan groaned and placed a hand on Shepard's chest. "I overslept? Why didn't you wake me?"

"Didn't have the heart," he shrugged. "You were so sweet how you drool."

"Excuse me?"

"Just kidding." Shepard chuckled at Kaidan's expression.

"You're killing me," Kaidan shook his head and finally got off the bed.

Shepard watched him walking towards the shower and bit his lower lip as the sight of a very naked Kaidan. He couldn't help but feel tempted by the way the curve of Kaidan's butt shifted while he walked. He had a suspicion though that Kaidan did it on purpose. His eyes found a certain spot on Kaidan's butt and he made a mental note to find a tattoo-artist.

"Kaidan?" Shepard coughed and the major turned half around, not enough for Shepard to see his cock but enough to make him swallow. "I'll… uhm… be waiting in the war room."

"Sure," Kaidan yawned and winked at Shepard before he entered the shower.

By the time Kaidan appeared in the war room 15 minutes later, Shepard was lost in his many reports regarding the Quarian-Geth problem. He thought he had seen enough Geth for the rest of his life, but somehow life had decided to be mean to him from the moment of his birth.

"Commander," Kaidan appeared next to him, a coffee in one hand and a data-pad in the other. "Your elixir of life from Liara and Traynor asked me to give you this."

"And a kiss from you maybe?" Shepard grinned.

"Certainly not, Commander!" Kaidan said and frowned.

Shepard was sure that the small emphasis he'd heart on the word _Commander_ was supposed to remind him that kissing in the war room might be slightly inappropriate. _The comm-room then! _He smirked.

"Not even in your dreams, Commander," Kaidan said and turned to go. Shepard didn't stop him but couldn't stop gazing at his butt while the major walked towards one of the terminals and started working.

Shepard allowed himself five minutes to admire Kaidan's features while he drank his coffee and thanked the universe for this man. But no matter how much he liked the view, shore leave was over and there was still a war on. That's why it was six hours and several outburst later before Shepard got to talk to Kaidan again.

"Hey," he said, leaning against the wall next to the water cooler and voice hoarse from all the shouting with the Quarian admirals. "What do you think about this?"

"Frankly?" Kaidan asked and drank his third cup of water. "I can understand the Quarian's desperation for a home planet; but we don't have time to deal with a second morning war right now."

"You know about the morning war?"

"I read the files," Kaidan said. "All files on your activities in the last year. But what I was saying, the hostility won't end even after we shut down the signal. The Quarians don't know what exactly they were doing, that's why they called us."

"They are a bunch of idiots! Fighting a war during a Reaper invasion!" Shepard snorted in agreement. "It's like having a domestic fight while slavers are attacking."

"I say, maybe you can make a deal," Kaidan suggested and poured his fourth cup of water. "Get them to help us and then retake Rannoch when the Reapers are dead."

"And if we can't kill the Reapers?" Shepard asked.

"Then it doesn't matter if the Quarians have a home or not. We'll all be dead." Kaidan shrugged and drank his water slowly. "I'm just saying we can't delay much longer. We are here for their fleet, not to fight Geth."

"On that we can agree," Shepard nodded and watched Kaidan swallow. "What the Hell, Kaidan? How much water do you want to drink?"

"What! I'm thirsty." Kaidan smiled and poured his fifth. "Besides, head is humming and cold water helps."

"Your migraine?"

"Don't worry, I can handle it."

"You should lie down."

"It's not that bad."

"Sweetheart," Shepard started but was cut off by the very evil glare Kaidan gave him.

"Look, Shepard," he major started. "I can handle myself, okay? And don't call me sweetheart!"

"What else should I call you?" Shepard leaned in and whispered.

"Kaidan would be enough." The glare Kaidan gave him made Shepard chuckled and playfully raised one hand to his heart.

"Oh, you hurt my feelings," Shepard smirked. "Besides, I thought I shouldn't Kaidan you."

"John!" Kaidan grinned and lowered his head to drink his water again. Though Shepard understood now why Kaidan did this, it still bothered him and made him want to run to the bathroom.

"You're sure you don't want to lie down for a bit?"

"No, it's alright," Kaidan shook his head with his sheepish smile. "Just need a distraction until the painkillers kick in."

"Distraction, hun?" Shepard lifted an eye-brow and was already thinking about a certain kind of distraction. Well, the mess wasn't a good place for it but the life support _was_ always empty.

"No way!" Kaidan laughed and dragged him out of his pleasant daydreams.

"Am I so predictable?"

"It's the drool at your mouth-corner."

"Come on, Kaidan," Shepard whispered.

"Forget it!" Kaidan shifted away from the wall but couldn't stop grinning. "I'm not doing that on duty."

"I can order you to lie down while I go killing Geth with Garrus and Tali," Shepard rolled his eyes in what he believed was an innocent and cute way. "How does it sound?"

"Like blackmail!"

"It's my ship," he shrugged and grinned at Kaidan.

"Damn you!" Kaidan shook his head but nudged toward the lift. "What are you waiting for?"

Shepard nearly punched a fist in the air but restrained himself in the last minute. It must have looked very weird if he did that right now. Instead, he brushed Kaidan's hand with his and tilted his head toward the life support.

Once they were inside, Shepard felt a very rough grip on his arm. Before he could register anything, Kaidan had already pushed him towards the wall and sealed his lips to his. Caught by new passion, Shepard wrapped his arms around Kaidan's torso and pressed the major tightly to himself. He opened his mouth and allowed Kaidan's tongue the needed entrance. Kaidan tasted so sweet though it wasn't the flavour of sugar. It was another kind of sweetness; that kind which could let Shepard grin for hours.

They both stopped when they were in desperate need for air. Shepard couldn't denial that the new Kaidan, the slightly aggressive Kaidan with his greed for Shepard's body was a lot hotter than the rather shy LT he knew so many years ago.

"Woah," he gasped. "Kaidan!"

"You are one seductive bastard, John," Kaidan bit his lower lip and his eyes said very clearly "Take me right now!"

"You're sure that's good for your head?" Shepard asked, fingers tucked in the waistband of Kaidan's pants.

"Any other ideas, Commander?" Kaidan whispered and his fingers ran over the surface of the fabric covering Shepard's cock.

"I was thinking about a little… snuggling?"

"_Snuggling?_" Kaidan sounded seriously surprised.

"Or I can give you a head-massage or a blow-job," Shepard suggested, slowly pulling Kaidan to the table in the far corner. "What should it be, Major?"

"Sweet bastard!" Kaidan hissed. "They are not really comparable."

Shepard licked his lip and lifted Kaidan gently off the floor. He closed his palms around the perfect curve around Kaidan's butt and sat the man on the table. Standing between Kaidan's legs, Shepard's hands traced the strong lines of Kaidan's tights and took a deep breath.

"What should it be, sweetheart?"

Kaidan said nothing but clipped the buckle of his belt. Somehow, in the rather quiet life support, the sound of the clip could cause a surge of anticipation which made Shepard gasp.

"The blow-job, then." He smiled and knelt down before his boyfriend. He'd always been impatient if it came to this and the way Kaidan took his time made him want to slap those fingers aside and close his month around that cock.

But Kaidan only smiled and rewarded his behaviour with two fingers. Though it wasn't Kaidan's manhood, Shepard still sucked greedily, showing Kaidan what he could do with his month. Kaidan moaned and finally exposed his loins.

The sensation of the tip of Kaidan's cock against his cheek made Shepard breath in heavily and with a last glace towards the major's face, Shepard opened his mouth wide. Kaidan always tasted so good. The warm flesh on his tongue and the pressure against his throat was all what Shepard could think about right now.

When Kaidan palmed the back on his head and pushed him onto the rock-hard cock, Shepard groaned because the feeling was too good. He traced his tongue alone Kaidan's cock and closed his mouth firmly around it. He sucked and licked while his hands played with Kaidan's balls.

The sound Kaidan tried to hold back drove him mad and he allowed himself a moment of air while he watched his boyfriend breathe heavily, one hand pressed onto his mouth and eyes half-closed. Kaidan was close, Shepard knew it.

With a small smile, Shepard took Kaidan in again. This time he didn't bother with the volume of Kaidan's gasps, he only wanted the major to explode in his throat. He didn't know why, but Shepard always enjoyed a good blow-job. Sometimes Shepard wondered why he enjoyed giving so much, but he didn't really care. Kaidan anyway liked receiving one and that's all he needed.

And it was then when Shepard took Kaidan in so deep he could feel Kaidan's curly hair on his nose that the major let out a groan and spread his load down Shepard's throat. His muscles tensed for a moment and then loosened completely, leaving Shepard to lick off the rest of Kaidan's cum from the tip.

"Shit!" Kaidan gasped and pulled Shepard up to press his mouth hard against Shepard's. "Your lips are made for kissing and blow-jobs."

"I take it as a compliment!" Shepard grinned and cradled Kaidan's face to cover it with many little kisses. "You're so beautiful, Kaidan."

"I love you too!"

"And your head?"

"The painkiller kicked in when we arrived in here," Kaidan smiled sheepishly and lowered his head to kiss Shepard's neck. "But, I didn't want to miss this."

Shepard said nothing but only returned the favour with further exploring of Kaidan's neck. He licked the slightly sweaty skin and buried his nose in it to take in Kaidan's muscular scent. He couldn't imagine not being with Kaidan and couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

And then, another thought crossed his mind. A thought he wanted to talk about for a long time but always forgot when Kaidan smiled at him.

"Kaidan," he tried not to sound too worried which didn't work because Kaidan tensed under his touches. "Uhm… there is still one thing…."

"What's up?"

"You said ah… that there is someone else," Shepard said hesitantly. "So you're technically cheating on him, right?"

"Oh," Kaidan pulled back.

_Please, don't leave me! _Shepard thought._ Please, I'd rather be your fling than be alone! _

"John, I love you!" Kaidan raised his head with a small grip on his chin. "There is no one else. I said that to make you angry, sorry."

"Really?"

"Yes," Kaidan said sincerely. "It was all angry-talk."

"Okay, that's good!" Shepard nodded and felt the knot in his chest untangle. Then he sighed. "Mhm… what a shame!"

"Excuse me?"

"Oh," Shepard smirked, thinking about if he should be honest with Kaidan. "Well, I sort of have several plans to kill him. You know, all involving a very talented information broker and a certain ugly turian sniper and the new shotgun blade-attachment I found."

"John!"

"What?" Shepard shrugged. "I had to start somewhere!"

"You're such a jerk!" Kaidan laughed.

"Yeah, but you love me for that!"

Kaidan made a disapproving sound and nudged his head towards the door. "Save it for the Geth, Commander!"

"Will do, Sir!" Shepard grinned and thought that he really could do this all day.

* * *

**I'm really fond of the "bastard" Shepard now. **  
**I think from here we might have some humor again^^  
**

**Thank you for reading.  
**

**HeavenOnFire  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Hi, everybody, I'm back! Sorry for the long pause but RL caught up with me, sort of. I was busy with my story stuff for the Mass Effect Big bang and visited the European GamesCom these years. :-)  
But now, I'm back and I promise I won't let this story rest until it's finished^^ And my thanks to all for you for the lovely reviews! I still can't believe it, I actually have 12 followers on this story! :-O It's awesome! And Thank you!  
**

**But now, enjoy the new chapter^^  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**10: **

"Are you okay, Commander?" Kaidan asked and even behind his helmet, Shepard could see his worried eyes.

"Better now," he said and smiled behind his own.

It was good to know that Kaidan was at his side again and even better as he thought of that this sentinel had a very personal reason to keep him alive. It was good to know that he was being appreciated and even better that he's being loved.

Though Kaidan only said a few worlds, all his feelings was in there. Normally, no one would ask; they saw him and assume that he was okay. But not Kaidan. Kaidan was always worried about him. Always.

"What was that no window thing?" Kaidan asked and looked over Tali's shoulder. "Wow, that's some impressive codes, Tali."

Shepard was about to answer that no windows thing as he realized that Kaidan's attention had drifted to Tali's hacking abilities. He smiled at the nerd talk they had earlier and never in his dreams would he admit that the only word he understood was _omni-tool_. Again, he was glad that he'd brought Kaidan with him.

"Major," he said and looked over Tali's shoulder as well. "You understand any of this?"

"Sure," Kaidan nodded, eyes still fixed on the screen. "These are Geth codes, not Reapers codes. They are not that different that the ones we encountered on Eden Prime; only the cluster formation seems rather chaotic. I suppose it's in there to confuse and delay any hacking attempts. It seems they use a quiet smart algorithm to create fake order. The vital parts are well hidden within trash information so synthetic algorithms wouldn't…."

"You can stop now, Kaidan," Tali said and Shepard refocused his eyes. He hadn't noticed that his eyes had gone blurry and he stopped listen a while ago and was only gazing at Kaidan's brows. "Shepard doesn't understand a word you say."

"Sure, I do," Shepard said because he didn't like Tali's tone. If someone wanted to laugh at him he'd be fine with it, but please not in front of Kaidan.

Kaidan made a comment Shepard didn't understand and both he and Tali began to laugh. Then Kaidan touched Tali's arm and padded her on her back. Shepard felt a surge of jealousy inside him and cleared his throat louder than necessary to regain their attention.

"Let's go!" He commanded and walked toward the hatch with M-97 Viper against his shoulder. What was that between Kaidan and Tali?

The Dreadnought was just as he thought. Dark, silent and too much tech for his taste. Everywhere he stepped, he had the feeling a wire was about to tangle around his ankle and a Geth would pop up to blast out his brain. But fortunately, he was always faster than the Geth.

While they fought through the dark tunnels, Shepard cherished the recoil against his shoulder. The scope of his weapon became his world and every time he looked, Kaidan was flaring blue and froze one of the Geth for him to shoot. He'd almost forgotten how good it was to have Kaidan around.

Most soldiers complained about him stealing their kills, but Kaidan never said a word about Shepard shooting the Geth immobilized by Kaidan. Maybe he knew that Shepard liked the view of their exploding heads or maybe he knew that they were most effective this way. It wasn't like that Kaidan had less kills of his own anyway.

"Clear!" Kaidan's voice sounded in his ears. How much he'd missed this. One because, it meant he could finally come out of cover and advance furthermore, two because he loved to hear Kaidan shout.

But when he tried to stand up, he felt the old familiar pain in his thighs. He grunted and felt the muscles in his legs tremble as if they were too exhausted to work anymore.

_Muscle soreness!_ He thought and tried to remember when he had that the last time. It must have been when he started to work with Cerberus, when his body was still new. He cursed and tried another attempt and failed.

"Commander!" Kaidan was at his side immediately and a grip on his upper arm pulled him to his feet. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Shepard said, slightly embarrassed. "Just some muscle soreness."

"Seriously?" Kaidan asked and Shepard could hear that Kaidan knew where it was from.

"What's that?" Tali asked and appeared next to him.

"Nothing important," Kaidan answered for him and padded Shepard on the back. "We should go before more Geth show up."

Shepard grinned at Kaidan's attempt to avoid an awkward situation where Shepard had to explain why he'd overused his muscled, but why shouldn't he? He was not ashamed of anything and besides he had a really gorgeous boyfriend to show off with.

Kaidan's arm brushed his as they headed towards the core. Even though armour plating separated them, Shepard could still feel Kaidan's touch. Of course it wasn't real, but that was enough to make him smile.

"I know what you're thinking!" Kaidan hissed with low voice while Tali was busy with another door. "But please, do me the favour, Commander; and leave my dignity intact."

"No idea what you're talking about, Major," Shepard grinned.

"You don't have to be that formal, Shepard." Tali said with that I-know-that-you-don't-know-that-I-know-tone which made Shepard want to tell her to focus on hacking. "You forgot that I was there when you bawled for Kaidan."

"I didn't bawl, Tali." Shepard said, grinning because he did, even very publicly. "That was more like a loud request."

"I'm sure Aria T'Loak still has the recording." Tali replied dryly.

"I should ask for a copy," Maybe Kaidan would like it.

"Or you could ask me," Tali's fingers danced over the console while she talked. "I'm pretty sure that Garrus has one, too. And Joker might have a collection of it."

"Sweet."

"Ehm," Kaidan sounded from beside him, face-palming his helmet. "I can give you two some privacy if you want."

"Just saying that you two don't have to be that formal. It's about time you got together."

"We're not!" Kaidan snapped. "How's the door anyway?"

Before Shepard could correct Kaidan's words, the door in front of them hissed open and the mission went on. Shepard didn't say anything because he didn't know what to say. And as for Kaidan, there was no way he was going to say anything private during a fire-fight. On that point, Shepard preferred Garrus.

But Garrus didn't glow so elegantly when he fought. With awe, Shepard watched Kaidan taking out Geth after Geth after Geth. This wasn't Eden Prime when Kaidan still wore light armour and got shot at. Now his barrier was so strong not even one bullet penetrated it.

He watched how Kaidan flared blue again and three Geth went smashing against the wall. Shepard didn't even register his own fingers moving but the bullets from his rifle picked them out of the air.

When he looked back, Kaidan was a mix of blue and orange. His omni-tool flared into life and with a brush of his fingers, the shield of a Geth overloaded. Without any delay Kaidan's biotics hit it in full scale, making white liquid colour the floor.

Yeah, the battle was beautiful.

Not until his rifle was empty did Shepard realize that the waves of Geth were overwhelming. Maybe Legion shouldn't have deactivated the ship's drive core so quickly but now was not the time to think about what should and what shouldn't be.

He had really more pressing matters, like finding some thermal clips. Coming out of cover with only his shotgun in hand, Shepard searched the perimeter. That was ten wasted seconds. Ten seconds where he couldn't watch Kaidan's back.

But ten seconds was enough.

When he dived into cover and looked through his scope again, a Geth-prime was advancing on Kaidan's position. Next to the huge synthetic, the major looked tiny. But tiny wasn't the world Shepard would have used to describe his skills.

Never before had he witnessed more powerful demonstration of Kaidan's biotics. The shield Kaidan created while he took out the Geth drone was strong enough to hold the Geth-Prime's shot. He dived out of cover and with a combat-roll which would let Shepard look old, and then the sentinel disappeared behind cover again.

Shepard fired round after round, but his bullets did little harm to the Prime's shield. He saw them bouncing off his plates and cursed the Quarians for creating those things.

With Kaidan behind cover and Tali somewhere else flaking the Gehts, the Prime's focus shifted and ended with Shepard.

"Oh, oh." Shepard muttered and jumped out of his current cover while a shot blasted the rail into pieces. He felt something hitting his side but didn't stop to take a look. Whatever it was, it destroyed his shield and Shepard could practically hear himself gasp. "Kaidan, Tali! Destroy its shield!"

He rolled into cover and for nearly half a minute, he stayed there. Not that his shield needed that long to recharge but because every time he glanced up to fire on the prime, he could see bullets flying at him. He hadn't been shot at that bad for a long time, but nor had they encountered an opponent with such a strong shield.

"Commander! More Geth incoming!" Kaidan's voice sounded in his ears. Indeed. Almost frontal, Shepard saw a group of that hated synthetics closing in on him. He felt their fire against his armour and his muscle soreness wasn't helping either. He was panting when he reached the next cover only to say "Oh, Fuck!" because his best friend, the huge Geth-prime was right in front of him.

He didn't feel the pain when the Geht's round hit him but he felt the impact. He saw the ceiling for a moment but when he almost expected another heavy something into his stomach, he only heard a battle-cry.

Kaidan's biotics filled his side-vision and that was the diversion he needed to take cover. He panted as he reloaded his shotgun, determinate to put a whole in that thing to make it look like Legion's brother.

He took a deep breath and poked around to see a dance of electric lights. Only moments later did he register that Kaidan's barrier had cracked just as much as his shield. He saw how Kaidan tumbled backwards while he tried to make a last arrangement on his omni-tool. But then, with a muffled sound, Kaidan went down.

A switch flipped in Shepard's brain. He didn't think and he couldn't think. The only thing he knew is that Kaidan went down saving him. It was all Mars again and Shepard's mind became dark.

He thirsted for blood and he was screaming. With a cry on his lips, Shepard became fury itself. He moved with indescribable speed and all around him died in white flame. He punched his fist into the plate of the Geth and reinforced with pure hatred, he ripped that abomination open. His fingers closed around cables and his mind pictured the pain he was inflicting.

The synthetic wires in his hands dangled motionless and the white liquid transformed into scarlet blood in his mind. His fingers closed around the part that supposed to be the Geth's heart and with delight, Shepard crushed it.

He always preferred organic enemies. They scream and they panic. They were unpredictable and but that made it incredible satisfying. But for now, the processing sound of this dying Geth would be enough. His boots found its head and he smashed until pieces of metal were all its remains.

And he did it to everything that was moving around him. The battlefield became his home and he became its master. His moves couldn't be tracked and his bullets couldn't be stopped. His cries became the thunder of his soul and his pain became the fuel to his fire.

With every breath he became closer to the devastating embodiment of destruction as he was born to be. With every heart-beat he was closer to his glory and with every second he was drifting away.

When the last enemy was slain, he felt tired and near death. He didn't know how many rounds he'd fired and didn't know how much he'd overused his biotics. He only knew that Kaidan needed his help.

"Kaidan!" he gasped as he came back to the sentinel's position. "Tali! Get Legion, we need to get out of here! Kaidan, talk to me! Kaidan!"

But Kaidan didn't talk. He was curled up in a ball, lying on the floor while his one arm clutched the other. When Shepard grabbed his right arm to pull him back to his feet, Kaidan screamed out of pain.

"Kaidan!" Shepard gasped and breathed hard to avoid panic. "Talk to me."

"Are you okay?" Were Kaidan's first words. He was always worried about Shepard. Even if he was injured and obviously suffering crippling pain. "Are you injured, Commander?"

"I'm fine!" Shepard grunted, annoyed with Kaidan's lack of self-care. "Get up! We need to get out of here!"

His hand closed around Kaidan's bicep again and the sentinel yelled, throwing his head back. He trembled with the pain and Shepard trembled because he could see Kaidan's contorted face. He wrapped his arm around Kaidan's waist and after two awkward attempts; Kaidan was finally on his feet.

Even with Shepard's poor knowledge of human anatomy, he could figure out that Kaidan's shoulder looked odd.

"Go! Hurry! I can take care of myself!" Kaidan hissed while sweat slowly appeared on his forehead. With one arm around the other and apparently some damage to his leg, Kaidan was too slow to escape in time and he knew that. "Shepard, go!"

"Shut up!" Shepard said and couldn't hide his frustration with Kaidan's slow pace. With another grunt he gave up his aid and simply put Kaidan on his shoulder again. Kaidan screamed but that was better than being blow apart along which this Geth Dreadnought. "I swear, I'm gonna kill that Admiral Gereel when we get out of here in one piece!"

"Shepard! This way!" Tali shouted and waited at the door but couldn't hold her feet still. "Hurry!"

"Yeah, Kaidan isn't exactly light!" Shepard snapped and paced for the door as fast as he could. "Where are we going?"

"To a Geth-fighter, Shepard Commander." Legion sounded to him though Shepard had no idea where the only Geth he liked was. "We suggest haste."

"What am I doing?!" Shepard hissed again and felt Kaidan's tremble. "Hold on, Kaidan. Hold on!"

"I'm not going to pass out!" Kaidan hissed back, temper short from his pain. "Put me down, I'll walk this off!"

"Don't argue with me!" Shepard snapped back. "I'm not throwing your life away for the _Geth_! No offense, Legion."

"It does not offend us, Shepard Commander." Legion answered.

The way to the fighter wasn't easy. With a 100 kilo man on his shoulder, Shepard couldn't run. Though he didn't know exactly how badly injured Kaidan was he still didn't dare to do anything that might cause more damage.

Cursing inside furiously, Shepard avoided the flying wreckage and tried hard to keep Kaidan on his shoulder. With one arm maybe broken, Kaidan couldn't hold on for himself which forced Shepard to hold him with one hand wrapped in his belt.

When another blast nearly caused him to fell from the narrow way and Shepard let out burst of curses which would make Jack blush.

Kaidan shifted on his shoulder and anger was audible in his voice. "Put me down, Shepard!"

"Shut up, you're injured!"

"It's my shoulder, John!"

"And your leg! Don't pretend; I saw it!" Shepard hissed and gave Kaidan's ass a rough slap. "And…."

But the tremble made him tumble and before he could regain his balance, the metal under his feet gave away. The feeling of falling was nothing strange but the scream from his throat was.

And then, he saw black.

* * *

**It's kind of a cliff-hanger, but don't worry, the next chapter is already WIP. So I promise, you won't be waiting for long. :-D**

**Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review. ;-)  
**

**HeavenOnFire :-)  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Again, thank you for all your reviews^^ ( DrawnMemory: you're awesome! savioysf, yeah, you're back! I kind of missed you!)  
I promised to update soon and here we go. (Actually I finished this chapter days ago and though I've already updated it. Obviously, I was wrong.*headdeck*)**

**And sorry about the cliff. (Bazinga, I'm not! :-P)  
**

**so enjoy :-)  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**11: **

Shepard screamed when he heard Kaidan scream.

The sound of Kaidan's agony ringed in his ears and his heart jumped so hart it hurt. He gasped but no air filled his lunge. He blinked but no light could be seen. He cried out but no sound escaped his throat and when he tried to struggle, he couldn't move his limps.

"Kaidan!" he tried again and something cold touched his arm. He moved again and Karin Chakwas's face filled his vision. She seemed rather calm though Kaidan just screamed the hell off his chest. Shepard needed a few seconds to realize that he was in the Normandy's med-bay.

He groaned.

"I was worried for a minute, Commander." Dr Chakwas said with a slightly amused tone. "How do you feel?"

"Where is Kaidan?" Shepard gasped again.

"The Major is fine," the doctor nodded towards the door. "He's right there."

Kaidan was leaning against the wall next to the door, panting heavily. He had closed his eyes and his bare and sweaty chest rose and fell with every breath he took. For a moment, Shepard was mesmerized by the movements of Kaidan's skin, but then he realized what he was looking at.

James Vega was holding Kaidan.

He was _holding_ Kaidan!

For a few second, Shepard couldn't think straight. In his head, he wasn't seeing James supporting Kaidan, but James kissing Kaidan, making him moan. His eyes widened without his notice and the images of James sucking Kaidan's cock burned into his brain.

He shook his head and the vision became real again. He must have made a sound because Kaidan's eyes flew open and found his. For that instant, James and Chakwas were forgotten. He could only gaze into Kaidan's brown eyes and be grateful that his boyfriend was alive and unharmed and smiling at him.

Kaidan's brow twitched slightly and when the major pressed his eyes shut, the spell broke. James had just ruined everything by pinching an injection into Kaidan's triceps, making Kadian's moan.

"Chicken!" James said with a small slap on Kaidan's arm, while Shepard shivered with the pleasure of the previous sound.

"Refrain that, Lieutenant!" Chakwas warned and James flushed.

"Yes, ma'am." The marine nodded childishly. "Oh, look who's back to life. You're okay, Loco?"

"How long was I out?" Shepard groaned again, feeling a small sting in his chest.

"Not long, I just finished your tretment," The doctor answered his question. "You have one cracked rip, but nothing major."

"Okay, what happened?"

"The fall knocked you out." Kaidan approached him slowly, still rubbing his upper arm. He looked so good Shepard wanted to pull him into bed and do him right there. But he only swallowed and continued to listen to Kaidan's report. "Tali and I carried you back."

"And you, Kaidan? How are you doing?"

"Only a dislocated shoulder and a strained ankle." Kaidan waved it off. "Nothing serious."

"Okay," Shepard nodded and watched all three surrounding his bed, looking much anticipated. "What?"

"Commander," Kaidan started. Shepard hated when Kaidan called him that. He didn't hate it before, but before, Kaidan wasn't his boyfriend. "We have a Geth on our ship."

"So Legion made it," Shepard nodded, not paying much attention. His thoughts are far far away, back to the Geth dreadnought. But not with legion. "Doctor, James, if you don't mind, I want to talk to Kaidan in private."

"Sure, Commander." James turned and left.

Chakwas though gave him a longer look, but then nodded too. Shepard was relieved that they went without discussion. He really wasn't in the mood to tell them who was in charge on this ship. Once the door closed behind the Doctor, Shepard didn't waste time to grab Kaidan's hand.

"You gave me a good scare!" He pressed Kaidan's hand on his face and his lips wandered over the fingers. He could still smell medi-gel on it and it only reminded him more of why Kaidan's needed it.

"It's just my shoulder, Shepard." Kaidan didn't pull his hand away, but still Shepard noticed his reluctance. "I've had worse injuries."

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" He gave Kaidan's hand a last kiss and then raised his face to look at Kaidan's. Though Shepard wanted to tell Kaidan how beautiful he was he couldn't find the right words. He wasn't a poet; no words he knew could ever be enough to describe this man's beauty.

"Nothing!" Kaidan said rather harsh and pulled his hand away. He rubbed it on his pants as if Shepard's touch was filthy and glanced to the transparent window quickly. "Let's not do this here, okay?"

"There you go again!" Shepard swallowed his anger and pushed away from his bed. His legs felt shaky, but soon he regained his balance. "Last time you said this, you broke up with me!"

"You worry too much!"

"That's what I should say about you!" Shepard hissed. "What the hell was that on the dreadnought?"

"I saved your live, you ungrateful bastard!" Kaidan insulted with a playful chuckle. "Not saying that you're getting old, but that Geth Prime nearly got you!"

"I mean when Tali said that she knows about us! You denied!" Shepard caught his arm again but didn't know why he did it. Maybe he was afraid Kaidan might get tired of him and leave him. Or maybe he wanted to show Kaidan that he was being absolutely serious. "Do you even want to be with me?"

"Of course I want!" Kaidan snapped back, his voice desperate and husky. "I mean, I just don't want everybody to know it!"

"Why not, Kaidan?" Kaidan's arm was warm in his hand but the stare he received was cold. "You love me, right? So why do you want to hide this?"

When Kaidan didn't answer, a thought crossed Shepard's mind. "Wait! Did you do this because… because I'm your superior officer? Look, you really shouldn't feel this way, you outrank me!"

"Would you please leave our ranks out of this?" Kaidan snapped his hand back. "And I can assure you, it's not because you're my Commander. You should know me better than this."

"So what is it?"

"I'm afraid of the gossip." Kadidan hung his head and admitted finally. Of all reasons, Shepard certainly didn't expect this one. The proud Kaidan Alenko, who always stood up for what he believed in, was afraid of gossip.

"That's bullshit!" Shepard snorted. He hated gossip too. During his time with Cerberus, he had a lot of time searching on the extranet. Not everything he found there was pleasant and yes, there were a lot of rumours about him and nearly every one of his crew. Kaidan strangely wasn't among them. "What are you afraid of? Let them talk! I don't care!"

"Maybe I do!" Kaidan replied. "I'm a teacher now and I really don't want anybody saying that I'm screwing my Commander."

"But you _are_ screwing with your commander."

"It's still a serious breach of protocol, and it's…" he paused a little. "Wrong."

"We are at war, Kaidan! If a little breach of protocal's gonna help me win this thing, I want this!"

"Do you ever listen to yourself?" Kaidan took a step back, gazing at him with defiance. Shepard couldn't say how much he liked this look and how sexy Kaidan was when he showed some balls. So he only grinned and Kaidan's frowned.

"Sure, I hear my voice in the vids!" he grin went wider.

"God, you're the worst boyfriend I've ever had!" Kaidan moaned.

"Say it again!"

"It's always about what you want, Shepard! Have you ever thought about how I feel? You can't just rush into battle and got yourself one injury after the other!"

"What are you talking about?" Shepard asked, deeply confused. He thought they were discussing their relationship, why was Kaidan freaking out all the sudden? But with Kaidan's face flushed before him and something like hurt in his eyes, Shepard couldn't help but close his boyfriend in an embrace. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not hurt. I'll keep you save."

"Dammit, Shepard!" Kaidan shoved his hands away and shook his head. "You need to stop protecting me, John."

"What else should I do?"

"Do your job!" Kaidan said. "Watch my six and let me do mine! You panicked and nearly compromised the mission when I got injured. It mustn't happen again. Shepard, we can't let our relationship get in the way!"

"I won't, I promise!" Shepard said hastily. Though he was offended and hurt in certain ways that it was always work for Kaidan, he still understood the major's point. When he thought about it right now, he did put himself in a very dangerous situation.

"And I don't want our relationship become common knowledge," Kaidan added. "Can you respect that?"

"I don't know how," Shepard admitted. "Garrus and Liara already know. Tali obviously too. And I have no doubt that Joker and EDI are aware either, so tell me how should we hide it?"

"I can live with that," Kaidan nodded. "But maybe don't mention this to the reporter you contaminated your ship with. And avoid familiar behaviour in public?"

"What, I can't even kiss you in the mess?"

"Commander!"

"Sweetheart!"

Kaidan made a despaired sound which could have been a chuckle. "It's okay if our friends know, but really, no need to bawl."

"I can't hide this forever, Kaidan," Shepard whispered with a trace of sadness. Though he'd never imagined his life after the war, he knew that not being able to kiss Kaidan when he wanted would be difficult. He was already feeling the fatigue of deception after a few days, how was he supposed to live his life with it?

"We don't have to," Kaidan's hands found his. It was an instinctive gesture and Shepard smiled mentally that he himself was now in a pose he had watched so often with envy. "Shepard, once the war is over, we can go through some official channels. There are ways for us to stay together, I'm sure of it. Until then, please don't compromise our relation."

"This is not a breaking up, right? You're not telling me you want to wait until the war ends, right? Because I can't wait that long!"

"Fool, of course not!" Kaidan smiled. "I can't wait that long either, I'm merely asking you to be… subtle."

"I'll try." Shepard grinned and pulled Kaidan into his arms. Once Kaidan's skin touched his, he couldn't restraint himself anymore. His lips met Kaidan's and their hot tongues tangled in each other. His hands moved over Kaidan's body and ended at the small of his back. He pressed his chest against Kaidan's and immediately he felt the pain in his rip.

But Shepard ignored it. The taste of Kaidan on his lips was too sweet for him to stop now. He closed his eyes and let Kaidan's embrace calm his mind. The previous argument was forgotten and all Shepard thought about right now was where he should fuck Kaidan here without being seen.

"Mhm…" Kaidan moaned. "Is this your way of being subtle?"

"Sorry," Shepard coughed slightly and parted away. Kaidan was asking a lot of him, but what a boyfriend would he be if he didn't give Kaidan everything he wanted. "You're hard to step away from."

"That's my line!" Kaidan chuckled and pressed a smaller kiss on his lip. "I love you, Shepard."

"I though I'm the worst boyfriend you ever had."

"I say stupid things when I'm angry," Kadian whispered and leaned his head on Shepard's shoulder. "I'm sorry. But you're not easy to deal with."

"So we're good?"

"Sure," Kaidan nodded and pushed him gently towards his bed. Sometimes Shepard wondered if Kaidan's knew how often he sent wrong signals. At the same time, he was proud of himself that he could notice it by now if Kaidan meant it or not.

"You should get some rest, Shepard. You have a long day ahead of you tomorrow. You know, explaining why we have a Geth on board."

"Yeah, I guess so," Shepard exhaled deeply while Kaidan pulled the blanked over him. Though he'd like to spend the night with this gorgeous man, he knew that rest was what he really needed. "This war is going to be harder than I thought…."

"You can count on that, Commander."

* * *

**Have I ever mentioned that I love the renegade Shepard? He's not easy to write but hell, he can say the most inappropriate things without me having a bad conscience!^^ **

**But from now on, the story is heading for a darker mood. Because no matter how much I want to make this hilarious, war isn't funny and I think Shepard and Kaidan both know it. (I still don't know if this story counts as humor. _)  
**

**Thank you for reading and I love you all. (And this f***ing awesome fandom!)  
**

**HeavenOnFire. :-D  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Hi, everyone^^ Just finished Leviathan and actually I wanted to write something about it. But this chapter is done before Leviathan was released, so I thought it's better if I stick to the original version. I always can write something else^^**

So, here you go. Enjoy. (Kaidan and Shepard's dark moments^^)  


* * *

**Why I am alive**

**12: **

Sleep did not come easily to Shepard.

All the more was he grateful that Kaidan had convinced him to a 'quick drink'. He had never admitted it, but whiskey always made him tired and sleepy.

But when he dozed off finally in his lover's arms, it wasn't rest that found him but his dark dreams which hunted him again and again.

He was chasing that little boy. He never cared for other people, but seeing that boy die was hard on his mind. Somehow, children shouldn't die in a war fought by soldiers. This little boy didn't do anything wrong. His only crime was that he was there.

When Shepard moved with heavy limps in his dream and saw the fire that consumed him and that boy, a part of him died. He didn't know which one, but he didn't feel like himself.

Voices were calling for him.

"Shepard! Shepard!" they called. "Save us!"

"Where the hell are you?" He replied, fighting against the invisible barrier that held his movements slow. "Show yourself!"

"I thought you were a friend!" A voice called and again, Shepard heard the sound of bullet against armour.

"I made a mistake!" Another voice called and his pistol made a bang.

"Shepard-commander, I must go to them!"

"I don't know who you are, or what… is the person I loved, are you still in there… Goodbye, Shepard. Be careful!"

"No! Kaidan, come back!" Shepard begged and his arm longed for Kaidan but his fingers closed around nothing but dust.

His cabin was still dark and the only sound was Kaidan's breath and the hum of the ship. The man to his side was sleeping peacefully and Shepard's heard clenched from gratitude that he was still here.

He sighed deeply, trying to wrap his head around what he just saw. Or heard. Shepard had never really mourned the dead. He didn't cry or sob, he didn't spend hours in front of the memorial wall, thinking about them.

He honoured the fallen by taking revenge. Every time he killed a person or destroyed a machine, he thought about the people who had died under his command. He did it for them.

But this time, who was he supposed to kill to avenge his friends?

He sighed again, head heavy in his palms. A low moan sounded from behind him and Shepard felt guilty at once that he had woken up Kaidan. The major needed his rest. He accompanied Shepard on every mission and the last one wasn't easy for him.

"Hey," Kaidan whispered and his gentle hand touched Shepard's back. "Nightmares again?"

Shepard only nodded and turned halfway to face his boyfriend. Kaidan looked tired and exhausted. Dark rings were under his eyes and the hair on his temple was already grey. He had never thought about what the war had demanded of him, but watching him now, Shepard wished he could have ended this sooner.

"Am I a good person, Kaidan?" Shepard whispered.

"What's wrong? What bothering you?" Kaidan's voice was soft but the simple question had so much strength. It wasn't just a polite gesture, but Kaidan's true intension to share his burden.

"I don't know," Shepard sighed. "This war is so big, I don't know if I can do this."

"Of course you can," Kaidan moved closer and his arm wrapped over Shepard's shoulder. "You are Commander Shepard."

"That's what I always say, but I don't know what it means." He admitted. "What if I make a wrong decision? Made a wrong decision?"

"We trust you," Kaidan said.

"But I don't usually think about the consequences. What if I was wrong? How could I decide for so many? Alone?"

"You're not alone, John." Kaidan's hand was on Shepard's face. He forced Shepard to look him into his eyes and said, "Never. I love you. No matter if it's business or us, I'll always be here for you."

"You don't know what I did." Guilt was overwhelming. The more Kaidan trusted him, the more Shepard despised himself. "I lied and threatened. I betrayed my allies and murdered my friends. How can you still love me?"

"What happened?" Kaidan asked quietly.

Shepard closed his eyes for a moment and all he saw was blood. He didn't know where to start. There were so many. He saw Mordin's last moments and how Wrex broke through the glass. Though he didn't really heart them scream, screams were all he heard right now.

But after a while, reviewing his life and thinking about his actions, he finally said, "I sabotaged the genophage cure."

"Excuse me?"

"Kaidan," he whispered, not brave enough to face his boyfriend. "I made a deal with the Salarian dalatress and made sure the cure wouldn't work."

"I don't understand," Kaidan frowned. "You cured the genophage!"

Shepard only shook his head.

"Why?" The word that left Kaidan's lips was half a moan and half a gasp.

"That was the prize for their support," he said. If he was calm or emotionless or just too terrified of himself, Shepard couldn't say. He only knew that he hated this feeling.

"You…" Kaidan shook his head and continued gasping. "You…."

"I doomed a whole species. For what? For ships and scientists!" He glanced back at Kaidan who glanced at nothing particular. Even in the dim light of his cabin, Shepard could tell that Kaidan's face was ashen.

Kaidan didn't reply to his confession which was even worse because Shepard knew that Kaidan didn't always vocalise his anger. For a moment, Shepard wondered what Kaidan would have done. Would he have made the same decision?

"Kaidan, say something!" His demand sounded powerless. He just desperately wanted to hear Kaidan's voice.

"I don't know what to say…" Kaidan whispered. "And Wrex? Does he know?"

"Wrex is dead," Shepard only said. "I killed him."

"_What? Why?_"

"He figured it out and confronted me on the Citadel," The encounter was painful. Shepard always liked Wrex and saw a brother in him. But when the moment came as Wrex had pointed his gun at him, it was instinct that had killed his Krogan friend. "I shot him before he could shoot me."

"Oh shit!" Kaidan's hand went to his hair and ran through it. He blinked rapidly and his sigh was trembling. If Kaidan continued to bleach, Shepard would wonder if his blood stopped running. "And this Salarian doctor? Mordin?"

"Dead."

"Oh God!" Kaidan gasped again.

Shepard watched his boyfriend with heavy eyes. He couldn't denial that Kaidan had become the most important people in his life and for the first time, he was worrying about what other people thought about him.

What if Kaidan despised him just as he did himself? What if Kaidan couldn't trust him anymore, thinking that he might even turn on his dearest? What if Kaidan would leave him? So many questions and so many unknowns. And between all the doubts and fears, Shepard broke down.

He lost his balance and fell into Kaidan's arms. He buried his nose in Kaidan's chest and then pressed his ear against his strongly beating heart. He could feel the warmth of Kaidan's skin and he wanted to find haven in there. If he closed his eyes, he could believe that nothing had changed.

But when Kaidan's hands closed around his arms, pulling him away, Shepard knew with heavy heart that everything had changed.

"Kaidan, I…" he didn't know what he wanted to say. Just say something. Tell Kaidan that he regretted his decision. That he felt remorse. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not me you have to apologize to," the major whispered and shook his head slightly. He always did that when he was thinking too hard. "I understand your actions, Shepard. I do."

"Really? You don't hate me?"

"You did it for earth, for our home," Kaidan sighed. "I hate this war! It's so unfair! When I think about what the Reapers made us do, I just…." He shook his head again. "You sacrificed one species to save all the others. I couldn't have done it, that's why you're in charge."

"You really think so?"

"Few in the galaxy have a heart as strong as yours, Shepard," he touched Shepard's face again. "I know you did what you thought was right. It wasn't malice or on a whim; maybe this is what we need to win this war."

"Wasn't the prize too high?"

"We might never know. Not until the war ends," Sometimes, Shepard admired Kaidan for his wisdom and his calmness. "Until then, you only improved our chances."

"How can I justify my actions?" Shepard pressed on. He needed his answers and if he couldn't provide them himself, maybe Kaidan could.

"You can't, John," Kaidan said what Shepard didn't want to head but already know the moment he asked the question. "There is no forgiveness for what you did. But you don't need me to tell you that."

"I'm a terrible person," Shepard sighed.

"No," Kaidan said only one single word but in this moment, this one word was Shepard's world. "You have a good heart, John Shepard. You have done many good things, small things you can't see. But I see them. That's why I love you and why we all trust you."

"But I…."

"You can't change what you've done," Kaidan caught his face in his palms and his eyes were warm. "But there is still hope for you. Once the war is over, you can still redeem yourself. If you want to."

"I want!" Shepard said at once and realized that he really meant it. "Mordin must have kept the data somewhere! There is still hope for the Krogan!"

"And you!" Kaidan gave him a small and reassuring smile. "You're a better man than you think, John."

"That's because you bring out the best in me."

Kaidan didn't reply but only smiled. Slowly, colour came back to the major's cheeks and Shepard wanted to kiss them. He leaned in and his lips brushed Kaidan's. The soldier, the man his heart ached for kissed him back and Shepard finally found the strength to banish every dark thought.

For now, all he thought about was the feeling of Kaidan's lips on his and how much he wanted this moment to last forever.

"Okay, anything else you've done I should know about?" Kaidan spoke after a long kiss. "If I'm getting the shock of my life, we might just bring it to an end."

"I've got a tattoo on my butt done," Shepard said and watched Kaidan sigh. He had already wondered when Kaidan was going to notice it.

"Oh, good lord!"

"Here!" Shepard stood up, turned around and pulled his briefs over his butt. The ink was still fresh and Shepard still felt the pain. But if he could bring Kaidan to a smile, it was worth it.

"I swear I'm going to kill you one day…." The major sighed, but couldn't suppress his chuckle.

Shepard smiled at the empty threat and closed Kaidan in his arms again. No matter what happened, as long as he had Kaidan's love, he could live with himself.

It was then Shepard realized that he had never actually told Kaidan that he loved him.

* * *

**This chapter was really dark and I'm sorry for it. This was actually what I wanted to write when I fist got the idea for this story. (Crazy, how I managed to write 11 chapters and 3 additional ones before I get here. :-( Don't know if it's bad writing skills or genius.^^)  
**

**Hope you enjoyed it. :-)**

**HeavenONFire  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Okay, I finally managed to upload this one. It's the last Chapter and I redid it a lot of times, just to be sure that it's the way I really wanted it. I won't say too much here, the rest I'll write at the end. Just want to thank you for all your support first! You're all awesome!  
**

* * *

**Why I am alive**

**13: **

The war was enormous.

Not only because Shepard was leading the largest fleet the galaxy had seen against the greatest enemies they would ever have, it was overwhelming on a personal level. Conflict, battle, even war weren't something he wasn't used to, but saying goodbye with the intension of saying it, was.

When the time had finally come for him to kiss his boyfriend for the possibly last time, Shepard didn't want conflict anymore. When he touched Kaidan's face and looked deep into his eyes, he could experience peace. And when he said he'd be waiting for him, he didn't mean it.

He had realized later that it was the first lie he'd told Kaidan. But was a small lie justified if he could inspire hope with it? Would Kaidan ever forgive him after he had discovered that Shepard had lied?

He didn't know and now wasn't the time to think about it.

He was falling. Through space and time and endless darkness. He had no prove if he was really falling or not, he didn't know if he was lying face down on the floor or if he was being pressed against the ceiling.

Wind blew past him and fire was near his body. He felt cold and heat at the same time. Caught between tubes and glass, his skin was burning but his soul was screaming. He was screaming for an evac. For Kaidan.

Slowly, Shepard started to realize that he was indeed falling. Actually it wasn't him who was falling but the piece of environment which kept him imprisoned. Eventually, he landed. The earth trembled and the impact rattled every single bone in his body. Something heavy and solid fell down and buried him alive. He couldn't breathe properly and he couldn't move.

He knew that he was losing blood and the end of his life was near. He knew that he had completed his journey and beaten his enemies. He knew that now was the moment to say goodbye. To pray for salvation. To look back at his life and make peace with his regrets.

But he couldn't.

Once upon a time, Shepard had been in a similar situation. He didn't remember when or where only that he had laid in his own blood for hours, maybe days. At that time, the only thing Shepard wanted was to die because he couldn't bear the pain and vengeance had become very meaningless.

But not today. Today, he had too many unfinished business which still required his attention.

He needed to feed his fishes and his hamster. There was still another model he needed to find. He had promised Chakwas a bottle of brandy and there was a lonely Asari wife on the citadel he had a massage for. And there was Kaidan.

When this name came to his mind, all the other things became small, tiny. Kaidan's smiling face appeared before his closed eyes and how much wanted Shepard to touch it. To gaze into his eyes and simply say three small words.

"I love you." he didn't know if he had said it or only thought it. It didn't really matter if he said it or not, but at the same time, these three small words were the reason why Shepard wanted to live.

He remembered that someone had told him once that before death, life would flash in front of his eyes. But now, he was seeing the future drifting away. A future he would share with a man who would become his husband. A future with his husband in which he could find peace.

A future he might never have.

"No!" Shepard breathed out, still unsure if his voice made any sound. He refused to give up now. He didn't survive the blast of the Crucible so the Reapers could take him with then to the dark pit of abyss. He refused to die.

Because he had too much to live for.

He had never told Kaidan that he loved him. He had missed the chance. When Kaidan had begged him not to be left behind, Shepard wanted to tell the man that he loved him. He wanted to say it all the time but all he managed was a harsh command.

"You're in no condition to keep fighting, Kaidan!" He had barked at the ramp of the _Normandy_. "Get to the medbay!"

"No, don't leave me behind!"

"I'm saving your life! Go now!"

"No, please! I'm with you! Don't leave me again!"

Kaidan's voice gave him strength now. He wished he had said what he always wanted. What Kaidan deserved to hear. But instead, he had told him to go and it was the last time he'd seen Kaidan. How simple would it be if he had finished this? He could die peacefully right now, knowing that Kaidan knew that he loved him. But how selfish would this be?

"I love you, Shepard…."

Kaidan's voice sounded softly in his ears. When he heard the words, he could almost see the major's face. Then, his face shifted and Shepard saw the most heart-breaking expression he had seen in his live. Kaidan's extended his hand and reached out for him; his brows curved in pain. His eyes were almost dead and red blood coloured his body.

Then another thought occurred to him. What if Kaidan and the Normandy didn't make it? What if Harbinger had shut them down? What if Kaidan….

He couldn't continue, because the simple thought cut off his already damaged breathing capability. His heart wrenched into a mess of pain and hurt and his eyes became wet. He couldn't remember when he had actually cried the last time, but now his tears keep coming without him having any control over it.

The future he could have shared with his husband flashed before him. The sun kissed house at the English bay withered within seconds and all it left was a pile of blackened rubble. The bottle of Canadian Larger slipped from his fingers and when it shattered on the floor, the silhouette of his lover splintered into thousands of pieces.

Kaidan's brown eyes became grey and faded. His touch became cold and didn't linger. His kiss was nothing but an illusion and soon the man he loved was nothing but dust.

Shepard screamed because the agony inside his heart overshadowed the pain of his injuries. His strength vaporized and his dignity became ashes. He cried and screamed though he knew that it wasn't real. It was only his fear which had become visions but still, it tore him apart.

Despair was all he felt right now. Despair and darkness. And this darkness wasn't the absence of light but his state of his mind.

His chest trembled and Shepard screamed again. He refused to believe it. Refused to let it happen. To let Kaidan dwell in the same agony because he knew that it would happen if he didn't come back.

He forced his body to move and failed. He tried again and failed again. But failure had never prevented him from getting what he wanted. He steamed his arms against the metal burying him. His strength increased with every breath he took and with every second, more of his power gathered in his muscles.

He didn't know how he did it or how long he continued to crawl. He didn't even know where he was crawling.

One of his legs was broken and though he could see his own bone through his ripped flesh, he didn't feel the pain. He couldn't move his left arm or feel it. His head was heavy as if it had gained ten kilo in the past hours. The air which reached his nose was filled with the smell of dust and fire.

There was no light to guild him. No water to appease his thirst. No food to fill his stomach. There wasn't even a sound.

But Shepard kept crawling. He dug his bloody fingers into the gabs between rubble and pulled his body after him. He lost the rest of his armour on his way and his flesh chaffed against the hard surface.

But he didn't stop.

He was tired. Tired and powerless. He wanted the pain to stop so he could just rest for a minute. Just a minute and then he'd go on.

When his eyes feel shut, Kaidan's face returned. He smiled and extended his hand to help Shepard. But then again, the vision faded and Kaidan's eyes turned pale.

"Don't leave me again…." Kaidan whispered and his soft voice echoed through Shepard's mind.

His eyes flew open and his heart clenched. He couldn't rest; he couldn't die, not until he found Kaidan. He needed to be sure that his lover was okay. That Kaidan would have a future. A future they'd share together.

The air around him had changed. It was cold and a fresh smell was in it. After a while, Shepard recognized the smell as rain and his heart jumped. He remembered Kaidan's taste when they had kissed before the SOB. His lover had smelled like rain and in this moment, it was the greatest smell Shepard could imagine.

He had no strength to move anymore. He had no power to shout, to call for help. But he had determination. He felt his brain react and he summoned the skill he'd been gifted and cursed with. A blue surge of energy emerged from his outstretched hand and the shockwave blasted stones and rubbles from his path.

Air hissed past him and light filled his eyes. He didn't know if it was day or night, only that it was too bright. From afar, hazed figured were screaming and shouting. They ran towards him and a dog barked somewhere.

Blue was what he saw first. The blue of their uniforms, the blue of their eyes. He braced his one good arm against the surface under him and came trembling to his feet. He tumbled towards the dark-haired man with blue uniforms and almost smiled.

"Kaidan…." He whispered and a pair of strong arms caught him. "I'm back…."

Then his knees touched the floor and his body slackened. He took a desperate breath to clinch on to life, but his mind blackened and his was gone….

**Three months later **

When he opened his eyes, he didn't see anything. He listened but it was quiet. Only a steady peep interrupted the silence and a smell of fresh flowers lingered in the air.

His fingers twitched and his body trembled. He could feel his leg and his left arm again and the pain was gone. When he took a deep breath, his chest didn't rebel. He blinked a few times, but sleep overcame him quickly.

When he woke up again, it was day. Fresh sunlight shined through the blinds before his window and a bunch of flowers occupied his bed-drawer. He didn't know which kind these were, only that he liked them. Their core was orange, almost red, but their blossoms were cyan, almost blue.

He smiled and turned his head around. It was surprisingly easy to move right now. His injuries were healed and his head was back to its normal weight. He jumped out of bed and smiled at the new strength and agility in his limps. His whole body was as good as new and Shepard felt as if Miranda's voice had just waked him.

For a moment he was glad because it wasn't too late to stop the Reapers, but then he prayed that the war was over and that all his feelings for Kaidan weren't imaginary. Or a dream.

The door hissed behind him and he jerked his head around, almost expecting to see Miranda standing there. But the man he saw was a man Shepard had the deepest of respect for. Admiral Hackett looked as if he had aged ten years. All his hair was white now, not only grey. His jaw clenched and Shepard hastily saluted.

"Welcome back to the living, Commander." The admiral said with both hands behind his straight back. "You have done humanity proud."

"What happened, Sir?" Shepard's voice was strong. "Have we won?"

"We wouldn't be standing here, talking, if we didn't."

Shepard didn't punch his fist into air or make any other gesture of victory, he only sighed out of relieve. With the breath, all the pressure he'd felt left him along with all the misery of the war. He suddenly felt young again, full of hope and passion. It was as if the past three and a half years of his live had been his entire conscious time. It was as if he was reborn. In peace.

But peace came only with one man for him.

"And Kaidan?" Shepard asked, feeling his voice tremble. "Did he make it?"

"See for yourself, Commander," Hackett only nodded and stepped away from the door.

And there he was. The most beautiful man Shepard could imagine. The most perfect one. Though Kaidan had more wrinkles and grey hair as Shepard remembered, his eyes hadn't changed. Simply the sight of Kaidan caused a twitch in his lower body. His stomach felt like as if some bugs were rampaging in it. He couldn't believe it, but he remembered that they were called butterflies.

"Kaidan," He was almost there to hug him when he remembered that Kaidan had asked him to be subtle. He cleared his throat and gave Kaidan his hand. "Good to see you, Major."

"Admiral," Kaidan's voice almost sent Shepard spinning. "Could you give us a minute, please? I'll brief the commander."

If Admiral Hackett suspected anything or knew anything, he didn't show it. He nodded slightly and said that he'd be expecting them soon. Then he left.

Once the door was closed, Shepard was caught by the most passionate kiss and embrace in human history. Kaidan wrapped his arms around his torso and his lips were pressed against Shepard's so tightly, the commander could feel his teeth behind them.

He responded with matching force. In his arms, he channelled all the hurt and pain and want and need and longing and love. His couldn't say what he was feeling only that he was feeling so much at once. His arms didn't left Kaidan's body for one second and his lips caressed the skin he missed so much.

"I love you, Kaidan!" He managed to say under his breaths. "I love you! I love you so much! _So_ much!"

"I love you, too!" Kaidan responded and something wet and salty reached Shepard's lips. The licked the tears away and didn't know if they were Kaidan's or his. "Shepard, never leave me again! Please, I beg you, never do this again! I can't live without you! I love you!"

"I know, I'm so sorry!" Shepard sobbed, slightly muffled because his mouth didn't leave Kaidan's. "I won't leave you ever again. Ever! You make me feel alive. And complete! _You_ are my live now! I need you!"

"I…." Kaidan couldn't finish his words because Shepard's lips cut him off. He wanted to be close to the major, closer than he'd been ever before. Closer than possible.

He leaned into Kaidan and pushed him towards the wall. When the major hit the surface, he let out a low moan. With his eyes half closed and his mouth longingly open, Kaidan looked more amazing than Shepard could ever imagine.

He touched those painfully missed skin and kissed those beautifully swollen lips. He buried his face in Kaidan's neck and his hand wandered along the gorgeous body. He pressed his erection against Kaidan's and in this moment, he didn't have any control over his own body.

Though his mind told him that Admiral Hackett might be waiting outside and that now really wasn't the best time, his body seemed to think that now was exactly the right time to release its load. When Kaidan's hand touched his arousal, he finally went over the edge.

He let out a low groan and his legs trembled. The sensation of coming into Kaidan's hand was indescribably good. He felt the warmth of Kaidan's skin and the strength in those fingers through his hospital gown. Resting in them, Shepard thought that his cock didn't belong anywhere else, except in Kaidan's butt or his mouth.

When the sensation waved off, he felt ashamed and suddenly tired. He lowered his head and tried to calm his breaths. But his heart was still bumping too strongly and Kaidan was still there, holding him.

"Sorry," Shepard whispered, deeply humiliated by his own weakness.

"It's okay," Kaidan only said. He retrieved his hand from the darker spot on Shepard's gown and suppressed a chuckle. "You came back to me, that's all I want."

"I'll always come back to you. Always." He leaned in and kissed Kaidan again. Then he did it again. He couldn't stop and he couldn't think of anything else to do right now. "I love you so much!"

"I…." Again, Kaidan was interrupted. Only this time, it wasn't Shepard's lips that cut off Kaidan's words, but the hiss of the door.

Out of instinct, Kaidan and Shepard snapped away faster than an explosion. He felt his own face became hotter and hotter and only hope that Hackett couldn't see it because of the light in his back.

The Admiral's face was stony as ever. He eyed them both quietly and Shepard felt very much like a small child caught in an impudent act. But he credited himself that he didn't lower his head in shame.

He cleared his throat but Hackett cut him off.

"Commander," The Admiral's voice didn't change in the slightest. "We need you to make a statement."

"What should I tell them, Sir?" Shepard asked, trying to keep his voice calm and trying very hard not to think about how visible his blooper was.

"Only proclaim that you're alive." Hackett said. "That's what I need for now. I trust you will give us your full report once you've recovered."

"Of course, Sir." Shepard nodded and resisted the urge to glace at Kaidan.

"On second thought," Hackett turned in his walk out. "The reporters can wait. You should get your rest. You and Kaidan made through a lot. You deserve your time."

Hackett didn't wait for an answer but walked out of the door, leaving Shepard standing with mouth open. He didn't believe what he just heard. Was Hackett suggesting that….

But when Kaidan's hand found his again, Shepard didn't care what Hackett thought. He felt the major's mouth at his ears and shivered. He closed his eyes and a vivid vision of a future started to take shape in his mind.

"I love you, John. And I'm proud of it!" Kaidan whispered softly and his kiss was all Shepard needed right now.

Yes, Shepard sighed mentally. Yes, that's why I am alive.

THE END

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**Puh, it's finally done. :-D**

**I really have to say that this one was much more a challenge than all the other stories I've written. Somehow it started as a small project for ME kinkmeme, but then things just got out of hand and it ended here. I really didn't like Renegade Shep when I started it, but then I replayed the game as a renegade and kind of understood his actions. I explained them here as I saw it and of course it's all just my opinion. **

**Still I enjoyed writing this story and reading all your comments! Again, I couldn't have done this without you! As Kaidan had helped Shepard, you have helped me! Together, we saved the galaxy! XD  
**

**And I hope I did the ending alright. I really wasn't easy and I cried once or twice writing it. I promised a happy ending and I delivered one. :-D  
**

**I think I'll be silent for a while because I need to focus on the story I'm currently writing for the Mass Effect Big Bang. So don't worry, I won't story writing about my OTP!  
**

**Thank you! All of you! You're awesome! And please leave a comment^^ (You know what you think about the end. I really hope it's better than the original game ending. :-D)  
**

**HeavenOnFire  
**


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